Rommel_ Gunner Who__ A Confrontation in - Spike Milligan [29]
Major Chater Jack, M.C., D.S.O., had told Sgt Dawson, “I want to test the alertness of the gun positions to possible Infantry attack which might occur during the next twenty-four hours. Get some of your off-duty signallers to put on gas capes, go out in front of the guns, then infiltrate forward through the scrub to the left of the gun positions.”, so me (Edgington) and six of us all put capes on and sauntered off rifles and all. We did what we were told, suddenly we appear through the bushes with our rifles at the high port. Cor blimey, when the gun crew saw us, they all rushed for their small arms dived into trenches and were about to let us have it when Sergeant Griffin recognised us, “Don’t fire,” we hollered, just in time to stop a massacre. He then let us have the length of his tongue.↓
[≡ 6 ¾ inches.]
“You silly sods! You nearly got yourselves bloody killed! are you all bloody darft!”
“Yes sarge.” had been the meek reply. Turns out no one had warned the gun position Sergeants of the ‘Stunt’. But another gun position had seen another group of mysterious ‘enemy’ among which was Bdr Jones and they got fired on didn’t they? and Bdr Jones gets wounded? Christ you couldn’t see their arses for dust. Anyhow it all simmered down and Chater Jack knew that the gun positions were on their toes.
Now the good news! Everybody was on all night stand to.
Hitlergram No. 3086142
With our Führer behind the Enemy Lines
GNR HITLER:
Ach! I hate zese stand-toos! I shouldn’t be doing zat, I should zer Sergeant be in zer kip I
GNR WHITE:
Arsoles!
HITLER:
You say arsoles to me ? In Germany I am Leader of zer Turd Reich I You are lucky I only ask you for ein Fag!
GNR WHITE:
I thought you didn’t smoke?
HITLER:
Zat is silly bugger Goebbels propaganda—he says you must never be seen wiz zer fag on! I smoke zeben-und funfzig fags a day! I have to hide in zer cupboard, in zer Karzi, it is not easy. I am human like anybody else, I may burn ein Jew or two, but nobody’s perfect I tell you.
GNR WHITE:
What about sex?
HITLER:
I make mit zer shag ten times a day.
GNR WHITE:
Poor Eva Braun.
HITLER:
Oh, not her, I screw her in zer night, she is der greatest, we screw in zer shape of a swastika! Zen ven she plays die Valkyrie on zer Beckstein I make vid zer Back Scuttle. Zen we are dansing de Tangogerstein with ze Berlin Novelty Trio.
GNR WHITE:
You look shagged out—if you’re goin’ ter win this war you better get some sleep.
HITLER:
Ha! you little Kakhi foolen! How can I loose? Look at zese good conduct passes—1st prize Five String Banjo at Gratz country fair! Three times Last Tango Champion in Paris—admit defeat Tommy!
We were told the situation was ‘Grave’. What does that mean?
“How do you feel Milligan?”
“Grave sir, very grave.”
Small arms firing all around us, the night passed very slowly. I was glad to see the first light in the sky. Here my Diary takes up the story:
Feb. 26th
My diary:
The storm broke at about 9.30 a.m. Our troops pushed off 0.P. Hill, Lt Goldsmith and O.P. Party came back. Sergeant Dawson set up an O.P. directly on the hillock in front of our guns. Position now called ‘serious’.
“How do you feel now Milligan?”
“Serious sir, very serious.”
Sporadic fighting all around in isolated groups. Infantry manoeuvering for position.
Major Chater Jack was anxiously awaiting orders from Div. H.Q. to move. By three in the afternoon it hadn’t come, so Chater Jack took the initiative and gave the order, “Move and Quick.” I packed everything in two minutes, piled it on Sherwood’s Carrier which was moving out with Lt Goldsmith aboard.
“What’s happening sir?”
“We’re moving Milligan.”
“Somewhere cheaper?”
“No, quieter…If you see a milkman tell him