Rommel_ Gunner Who__ A Confrontation in - Spike Milligan [3]
23 Jan. 19 Bty.
56 Heavy Regiment, RA
BNAF
My dear Des,
In Africa we are all playing silly buggers. We are on a course teaching us how to ‘Leap’ anything that stands in our way. I think this could be introduced at home to encourage fitness among the Wartime civilian population. For example ‘Leaping Stones’ could be installed in the home. The stone, about three feet high by two feet wide, could be cemented in all the doorways in the home, including one at the foot of the stairs.
A Leapo-meter is attached to the ankle of every member of the family, which records the number of leaps per person, per day. Those who show disinterest can have a small explosive charge fixed to the groin, which detonates should the person try climbing round the stone, this will cause many a smoke blackened crotch, but with our new spray-on ‘Crotcho!’—a few squirts leaves the groins gleaming white, and free of fowl pest. Think of the enervating joys of the Leaping stones! Sunday morn—and the whole household rings with shouts of Hoi Hup! Ho la! Grannies, uncles, mothers, cripples all leaping merrily from one room to another for wartime England—ah, there’s true patriotism! We have high hopes that more progressive young politicians with an eye to eliminating senile M.P’.s, intend to have a ‘Great Westminster Leaping Stone’ that will be placed dead centre of the great entrance doors on opening day. Mr Churchill could start the leaping, those failing will of course be debarred. You can try and assist the failed member over the leaping stone by applying hot pokers to the seat, thus the smell of scorched flesh, burning hairs and screams, can bring a touch of colour to an otherwise dull wartime England. I don’t know when I will post this letter, I might deliver it tomorrow by hand, ankle, foot and clenched elbow.
As ever,
Your loving brother
Terry.
To help kill boredom in the Camp I started a daily news bulletin posted outside my tent.
X Camp 201 PoW
MILLI-NEWS
Libya: Last night, under cover of drunken singing, British Commandos with their teeth blacked out, raided an advance Italian Laundry, several vital laundry lists were captured, and a complete set of Marshall Gandolfo’s underwear, which showed he was on the run.
China: Chinese troops are reported in the area with their eyes at the slope.
Syria: It is reported that Australian troops have taken Cascara. They are trying to keep it dark but it is leaking out in places and the troops are evacuating all along the line.
Rome: Il Duce told the Italian people not to worry about the outcome of the war. If they lost, he had relatives in Lyons Corner House, from whence he would run the Government in Exile.
Local: Sanitary Orderly Liddel takes pleasure in announcing his new luxury long drop Karzi.↓ Secluded surroundings, screened from the world’s vulgar gaze by Hessian. Plentiful supply of Army Form Blank. Book now to avoid disappointment in the dysentery season.
≡ From the Zulu word M’Karzi, meaning W.C.
“When are we going to be allowed into Algiers?” Says Gunner Edwards, who is cutting Gunner Knott’s hair, and making his head look like a Mills grenade.
“They’re frightened to let us in, we might get into the Kasbah and catch Syph.”
“That’s all Cobblers, they’re stoppin’ us, so the officers can screw all the best birds first, that’s yer Democracy for you,” says Gunner Thorpe, who is scraping his toe nails with a Jack-knife.
“You’re talking balls. Just because you get first bash at a French tart don’t mean you’re democratic! I mean shaggin’ a bird is the same if you’re a Commy or a Fascist, fucking is real democracy.”
A solemn cheer greeted this. “Look, if none of us ever had a screw again we’ve had enough hoggins in Bexhill to last forever.” Cries of “No! Resign!”
“A man can never have enough hoggins, a good shag clears the custard,” said Gunner Balfour as he wrote a tender love letter off to