Rommel_ Gunner Who__ A Confrontation in - Spike Milligan [40]
Attendant:
Sorry sir, according to our records you are a stray Arab dog, some seventy years old.
April 4th
The night of April 4th the rain was thundering down, we heard Havelock suddenly barking and snarling, there was a pistol shot. I doused the light, grabbed Tommy Gun, got out the back door, Jerry patrols were famous for throwing grenades into rooms. A long figure at the front door was saying “Pleese open ze door.” Someone said “It’s Charles Boyer!” It was the French farmer who owned the house, he had come back to ask us if we’d seen his dog, which was in fact Havelock Ellis who, in the dark had attacked him, and the Frenchman had shot him.
We found Havelock in his kennel, a bullet in the head. God knows how he managed to get back, it’s the homing instinct, even if it’s only made from charge cases. We were all broken up about it. The Frenchman had brought us a bottle of wine. We drank it and cheered up a bit. Lt Goldsmith invited us all into his room, where he opened up his whisky. Alf Fildes got his guitar out, and I played ‘Parlez-moi d’amour’ on my trumpet. A strange evening, but then, weren’t they all? Next day we buried Havelock. I washed the blood off his face. We lined a large charge case with an old blanket, dug a respectably deep grave. Over it we mounted a board, and I wrote,
Here lies the body
of Havelock the Dog
Shot in the head
And dropped like a log.
He was a very Good dog.
April 1943
I suppose he’s still there.
April 6th 1943
Battery Diary:
Battery Commander to Sidi Mahmond O.P. as C.R.A. Dep for 71 Field Arty : Group.
Munchar C.P. 08.00 hours. Pouring rain, and other things. Sgt ‘Georgie’ Dawson’s motorbike arrives which he drives straight into the room. “There’s going to be a big party tonight,” he grinned.
“A party?” I said, “I can’t go, I haven’t a thing to wear!”
“Good, it’s for nudists.” He proceeded to give details;
Major Chater Jack, Gunner Woods, Gunner Tume, L/Bdr Milligan (oh shit), Bombardier Edwards, OPAck↓ and Bombardier Andrews from the recently arrived 54 Heavy Regiment.
≡ Observation Post Assistant.
“He’s coming along for the experience,” said Dawson. He grinned evilly. It was deluging. The rain dripped in from every crack and seeped over the door sill.
“The wireless truck will collect you at 19.00 hours.”
“19.00?” I said. “That’s a pity, my watch only goes up to 12.” He passed a damp cigarette. “Ta,” I said. “I’ll have it valued later.” I donned my Gas Cape and with Dawson, prepared to dash from the cookhouse. “Right now!” yelled Dawson. Giving Red Indian War whoops we splashed across.
“ Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! I’d left my bloody mess tins behind.”
“Borrow mine,” says ‘Smudger’ Smith licking his tins clean.
The room was a dark, damp, mess of muddy gunners, all chomping away at breakfast; all very gloomy.
“Hands up those who haven’t been killed yet,” I said cheerily. The replies were “Get stuffed, Bollocks, and Up Yours,” a grand bunch of lads. “Good news men,” said a mud soaked creature, “Look,” he held open a Radio Times and pointed to this.
DANCING CLUB
Victor Silvester, well-known band-leader and dance expert, writes of his new series, ‘BBC Dancing Club’. It starts in the Forces programme on Wednesday.
“Oh hooray,” I said, and grabbing Gunner Tume, I swept him into an ankle deep mud-waltz. “God you look lovely Gunner Tume!” I said.
“Get stuffed.” he said breaking free.
Hitlergram No. 361
The scene:
The Eagles Eyrie, in the bath are Hitler, Admiral Doenitz and Goebbels. Doenitz is playing with the German Navy.
HITLER:
Vat do zey mean, ‘Get stuffed’.
GOEBBELS:
Zey are having zer breakfast, and he is vishing zem ‘get stuffed’ wiz zer food.
HITLER:
So, we have broken an nudder of zere codes; now, what is zer ‘Bollocks’ and ‘Up yours’?
GOEBBELS:
I do not know Führer.
HITLER:
(foaming at the mouth) Vhy don’t you know, you little crippled creep !
The scene:
He smashes the bath water with his fists and hits Doenitz below the plimsoll line
ADMIRAL DOENITZ:
Ach-mein bollocks!!
HITLER:
Vonderschoen ! anudder British