Rommel_ Gunner Who__ A Confrontation in - Spike Milligan [60]
“You’ve hit one.” says Deans.
“It wasn’t the one I aimed for,” said Lt Walker.
B.S.M. MacArthur, the Bore of Tunisia turns up at the G.P. and spends the night in the gun crew’s bivvy. He starts, “…among my friends are Lord Beaverbrook, The Lord Mayor of London, Sir Edmund Speers, The Earl of Caernarvon…”
A voice from a dark corner, “Don’t you know any fucking dustmen?”
“You’re on a charge for insolence to an NCO.”
“Shall I wear full court dress, or could you stand me wearin’ KD’s?”
The tent went quiet save for a few stifled laughs. The offending Gunner got off with a caution, and B.S.M. MacArthur was told by the presiding Major to try and avoid—“boring the arse off tired soldiers with late night fairy stories, and something else, I know Lord Beaverbrook personally and I tell you straight, he’s never bloody heard of you.”
The end was near for the quarter of a million Axis troops. Our build up of tanks, troops and artillery was massive, the weather was now really hot, bone dry, and dust was the most prolific element of our daily lives.
May 2nd
Battery Diary:
B.C. to O.P. Enemy Battery observed active 62356 engaged by 19 Battery and silenced. Enemy guns active from DJBEL GUESS A, Favourable Meteor brings them within range of 19 Battery, effective observed, fire continued till last light, one enemy troop silenced the others out of range.
Well, that took care of May the 2nd. The third and fourth continued as both sides jockeyed for positions for the final round. “Bloody ‘ell.” says an alarmed Gunner Forrest rushing into the Command Post, “There’s bloody black soldiers fightin’ on our side.” I explained they were the Fourth Indian Div. “I didn’t know they let ‘em fight for us, I thought they was never allowed out of India, I mean can you trust ‘em, they’re all bloody Wogs. My dad said they were lazy buggers and you couldn’t trust ‘em.” I explained that nearly a fifth of the Eighth Army was made up of ‘Wogs’ and all that lay ‘twixt him and the Jerry at this moment were in fact Wogs. That night I heard he slept with a loaded rifle by his bed. “I hope the Germans give ‘em a bloody good hiding,” he said. Today that man is Alf Garnett.
We continued various firing tasks, then!
0300 hrs. on the 6th
At that hour, on a very narrow front, 600 guns in two hours dropped 17,000 rounds atop the Baddies. The Infantry moved forward. By 7.30, 6th Armoured started to move forward through a mine-free gap prepared by the 4th British Div., but alas the job had been botched and this slowed up the armour. Overhead there was an unending umbrella of British and American aircraft that bombed and straffed anything that moved, including us. Our battery continued firing at targets chosen by our O.P. The ammunition expenditure was enormous. “This is costing us a fortune.” said Lt Mostyn, “Honestly, in the last three hours we’ve spent enough to have opened two hat shops in White-chapel, with a hundred pound float in the till.” I calmed him, “Would it help if we fired slower, sir?” He shook his head, “Its too late now, if I had been running this war I could have done it at half the price, I mean what’s Churchill know about business? Nothing! Give him a dress shop and in two weeks he’d be skint!”
A gown shop in Whitechapel:
CHURCHILL:
Good morning madame.
SHOPPER:
I’d like to see a black velvet evening gown with a plunging back.
CHURCHILL:
Is that a dress?
SHOPPER:
Yes.
CHURCHILL:
In two weeks I’ll be skint.
A lucky escape by Sergeant ‘Maxie’ Muhleder whose gun prematurely exploded at the muzzle but no one was hurt. Lt Mostyn rushed to congratulate Muhleder on his escape—at the same time trying to sell him an insurance policy.
In the heat of the final battle, the intense use of artillery never gave much time for anything except moaning.
“If this is bleeding Victory, I prefer stalemates.”
“Even if we win the