Ronald Rabbit Is a Dirty Old Man - Lawrence Block [26]
I’m sure you’ll appreciate that I am rendering the conversations in simple dialogue, without identifying the two speakers. This is precautionary, to prevent identification of the speakers should the letter fall into alien hands.
“Hello?”
“How do I know that’s all you’ll do?”
“Who is this?”
“What I mean is, if I knew that was all you wanted to do, if I thought I could trust you—”
“Oh, hello there!”
“You know who this is?”
“Yes, I think I do. I think I’ve heard this voice over the telephone before.”
“Yes, telling you to come to his office.”
“Yes, indeed. It’s as though the earpiece of the telephone suddenly filled up with tits.”
“You shouldn’t talk like that!”
“Tits, tits, tits.”
“Oh, my God.”
“Tits, tits, tits. Did you get my letter? The offer still holds.”
“You’re really terrible, aren’t you?”
“Not to those who know me.”
“The thing is—”
“Yes?”
“Oh, my God.”
“I think you’ve got the wrong number. This is the Mad Poet of Bleecker Street.”
“I know who it is.”
“For a minute I thought—”
“Listen to me.”
“I’m listening.”
“What you wrote in your letter. Are you listening to me?”
“I’m all tongue.”
“What did you say?”
“Ears. I’m all ears.”
“That’s not what you said.”
“True.”
“I ought to hang up.”
“I was thinking the same thing.”
“If I thought you meant it—”
“Of course I meant it.”
“I mean if I thought that was as far as it would go, if it would be just that—”
“Yes?”
“I have to hang up.”
“Tits, tits, tits.”
“I’m hanging up. I can’t listen to any more of this. I’m hanging up.”
“Tits and cunt, tits and cunt—”
“Good-bye.”
“Hello? Hello, is anybody there?”
“Hello.”
“Don’t tell me, let me guess. It’s the girl with all the tits.”
“You make it very hard for me.”
“Au contraire, ma cherie. You make it very hard for me. I’ve got it right here in my hand.”
“Oh, my God, the way you talk!”
“Aren’t you ashamed that you love it?”
“Oh, stop it.”
“All right.”
“… Hello?”
“I’m still here.”
“Listen to me.”
“I’m listening.”
“Oh, my God, I know what I want to say but I can’t even say it.”
“Give it another try.”
“If I thought—”
“If you thought you could trust me—”
“Yes.”
“—to just eat your juicy little cunt—”
“Yes, yes.”
“—and if you thought I would stop there and not try to screw you—”
“Yes, yes—”
“Then what?”
“Huh?”
“If you could trust me, really trust me, then what?”
“You know.”
“Then you might be interested.”
“Maybe.”
“How old are you?”
“What does that have to do with it?”
“Probably nothing. Don’t you remember?”
“I’m twenty-six.”
“Uh-huh. I guess you lived at home for a long time and now you have your own place.”
“How did you know?”
“The Phantom knows everything. He has spies everywhere. Are you a virgin?”
“What does that have to do with it?”
“Probably nothing, but I guess you don’t remember that, either, huh?”
“Suppose I am.”
“I already supposed you were. When you play with yourself, do you like to pretend your finger is a tongue?”
“I’m hanging up now.”
“I bet you’re playing with yourself right now.”
“I’m hanging up.”
“You can trust me, you delicious cunt.”
“Trust you? I can’t even talk to you.”
“Oh, I don’t know. You’ve been doing pretty well.”
“I have to go now.”
“Come on over and I’ll eat you.”
“But you would want to do other things.”
“That’s not what you’re afraid of.”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re afraid you would want to do other things.”
“No, no, no—”
“I’ll tell you what. I won’t rape you even if you beg me to. How’s that?”
“Oh, Mary and Joseph.”
“Don’t forget St. Anthony. Do you want me to put the promise in writing?”
“You’re an awful person.”
“I’m fun in bed.”
“Stop it.”
“I’m more fun than a finger.”
“Oh—”
“I really am.”
“I have to go now.”
“I know, you have to wash your hands.”
“Good-bye.”
“Hello?”
“Hello.”
“I was wondering when you’d call.”
“Listen, I just wanted to tell you that I’m not going to call you anymore.”
“And you called to tell me that?”
“Oh, you always twist everything I say.”
“Why don’t you put the phone to your pussy? I think these conversations would work better if we didn’t have to detour them through