Ronald Rabbit Is a Dirty Old Man - Lawrence Block [29]
Naughty Nasty Nancy wanted to be spanked. So I spanked her. Because it was what she wanted. And, simply because it was what she wanted, it became what I wanted, and I enjoyed the whole process as much as she did.
Think of me as an instrument for your pleasure, Rozanne. I don’t know why you’re afraid of losing your cherry. I don’t have to know why, any more than I care why Nancy Hall can only come good when someone is reddening her rump. People who get hung up on why, wind up losing all their whats.
Call me. You can trust me. I’ll give you more fun than you’ve got fingers.
Luckily,
Pierre
cc: Mrs. Lisa Clarke
Mr. Clarke You are behind your rent, landlord says you owe two months says pay up rite away or out you go and the missus both.
Sup’t
16
c/o Gumbino
311½ West 20th Street
New York 10011
July 4
Mr. George Ribbentraub
Ribbentraub Realty Corp.
414 East 14th St.
New York City
Dear Mr. Ribbentraub:
Let me take this opportunity to wish you and yours a happy Fourth of July. Of course the Fourth will have come and gone by the time you read this, but it is that very day now as I write this, and I can honestly claim to be moved by the spirit that inhabited the breasts of our founding fathers when they struck a blow for liberty and freedom.
While I might have wished you a Safe and Sane Fourth in any case, I must confess that the main purpose of this letter is to apprise you of the fact that I have permanently vacated premises at 74 Bleecker St. I am accordingly enclosing herewith two keys, one to the vestibule and the other to the apartment. Another set of keys remains in the possession of my wife, Mrs. Laurence Clarke. She may be reached c/o American Express, Cuernavaca, Mexico. I don’t know the zip code, nor do I know whether appeals to her for the return of her set of keys are likely to meet with success. I tend to doubt it, as I have had no luck thus far in persuading her to send me $1480, which she seems to have taken along, like the keys, quite by mistake.
I trust you will cancel my lease forthwith and will retain my one month’s security deposit in lieu of back rent and any other obligation that is mine under the terms of the lease. While it might dismay you to do this, I can really see no alternative for you, as I am presently unemployed, have no job prospects in the offing, and retain no cash assets.
As a sweetener, I have left all my furniture at 74 Bleecker St. Two appraisers have set a value of these goods, with one estimating their worth at $1480 and the other placing the figure at $520. Whichever figure one accepts, it seems fairly clear that you will be recovering furniture in excess of any monies owed you under the terms of the lease. I hereby deed this furniture to you in return for past and future favors.
Should this be unsatisfactory to you, you might attempt to reach a more pleasing settlement through contact with my attorney. He is Roland Davis Caulder with offices at 437 Piper Blvd. in Richmond, Va. While I have heard that disbarment proceedings against Mr. Caulder are in the offing, I am sure he will be able to represent me in his present capacity at least for the next several months.
I should advise you, however, that should you contemplate formal legal action against me, I would have no choice but to inform the appropriate authorities of the innumerable violations now in existence at 74 Bleecker St., and would further feel it incumbent upon me to notify Mrs. Ribbentraub of your liaisons with several tenants of those premises, among them my wife.
I trust you will take this advice in the spirit in which it is offered.
Best personal regards,
Laurence Clarke
P.S: It might profit you to plan on engaging a new superintendent for 74 Bleecker St. The present holder of that post is under consideration for an important editorial position at Whitestone Publications,