Ronald Rabbit Is a Dirty Old Man - Lawrence Block [38]
Well, have the sense to learn from my experience. Wait for a night when you’re sure you won’t come prematurely. Warm her up plenty, get her in the mood. Tell her you want to try it doggie style.
And then, when she’s waiting with open box, give her the surprise of her life.
Pow!
Wham!!
Bang!!!
She’ll love you forever, old pal.
With the utmost sincerity,
Your Friend, Larry
cc: Nancy Hall
20
c/o Gumbino
311½ West 20th St.
New York 10011
July 9
Miss Nancy Hall
Camp Arondequois R.D. #2
Seaford, Vt.
Dear Nancy:
By now I trust you and Dawn are settled in and adjusted to your role as junior counselors. If you haven’t formed any alliances yet with the boy counselors, let me give you both a word of advice. Watch out for the dynamite studs—i.e., the swimming counselor, the athletic director, and all the standard Greek-god types. They may look great, but they won’t fuck well. It comes too easy to them and all they want to do is get in and come in a hurry and cut another notch on their cock and find some other girls. As they get older they may have possibilities, but not now.
Instead, pick out some agreeable freak and pitch him right over the center of the plate. The kind of guy you like immediately as a person but don’t even think of in sexual terms. Because, unless you misplace your intuition and pick a stone-faggot, he’ll be thinking of you in sexual terms, and that’s what it’s all about. Pick the kid running the nature hut, or the one who teaches arts and crafts. If he turns out to be a virgin, so much the better. He’ll never forget you, and you’ll be into a whole new scene.
End of lecture.
I’m enclosing a copy of a letter to Steve. You know about Steve. I think you’ll get a kick out of this one. So will Dawn, but you especially, Nancy.
Have a good summer, kids. I envy you all that fresh air and sunshine. But New York does have its compensations, as you’ll read.
Do you get days off there? If you can ever make it to New York, please do. You can always stay overnight at our place. Rozanne is anxious to meet you.
Madly and poetically,
Larry
21
c/o Gumbino
311½ West 20th St.
New York 10011
July 11
Miss Ellen Jamison
c/o General Delivery
Bryn Mawr, Pa.
Dear Ellen:
By now I trust you’re settled in with your mother and her new husband. I also trust you remember I said I would write you c/o General Delivery. I’m also marking the envelope “Hold for Pickup” to prevent some over-zealous postmaster from taking matters into his own hands. I know you’re positive your mother wouldn’t open your mail. But why tempt fate? At the least, you would have to invent something when she asked you who the letter was from. I’ve always found that it pays to tell the truth whenever possible. Since it’s rarely possible, the idea is to minimize situations in which lying becomes necessary.
How are you getting along with your mother and her new husband? (I hate to keep calling him that, it’s so damned depersonalizing, but although you must have told me his name several times, I can’t remember it. I keep thinking Ralph, but that can’t be right, can it? I’ll call him Ralph in this letter just to save time.)
There is one problem you are going to have to face, one question you are going to have to answer. It is simply this—whether or not to fuck Ralph.
No point pretending the question won’t come up. You’re both sexual and desirable, honey, and you’ve got enough of a mother hangup so that you can’t help being attracted to her men for purely competitive reasons. (I seem to recall discussing this with you.) So you are going to want to fuck Ralph and Ralph is going to want to fuck you. You will both also want not to fuck each other. That’s where the conflict is.
Be grateful you’re not a virgin anymore. That would just make things more complicated.
I can’t tell you how to answer the question. What I can tell