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At one point, pausing to glance up from between Ellen’s parted thighs, she said, with an air of Archimedic discovery, “You know, it would really be ridiculous not to enjoy doing this just because I happen to be a girl.”

And then she went back to what she was doing.

Maybe it’s just as well you didn’t show up, Lisa. If you had been Rozanne’s first experience, and if Rozanne had been your first experience as well, it might have been like two virgins on a wedding night. No blood on the sheets, but the same kind of awkwardness.

Or would it have been your first time?

Ah, well. Hardly matters now, does it? In any event, Rozanne’s first time, like Rozanne herself, has come and gone. Gone shopping, as a matter of fact. She’s down in Chinatown doing her marketing for the week. She always comes home with a couple of sackfuls of things that look as though she found them in a garbage can, and then she dices and slices and swirls them around in her wok, and the result is a meal fit for a mandarin.

A wok, for your information, is a shallow Chinese frying pan suitable for cooking things in a small amount of very hot oil. I mention this not to flaunt my culinary expertise but because it occurs to me, on reading the last paragraph, that you might not know the word and might think it a euphemism for cunt. Rozanne does lots of things with her cunt, but so far she hasn’t filled it up with bean sprouts and water chestnuts.

Although, come to think of it, it just might beat soy sauce.

Inscrutably,

Julia Childs

28

Camp Arondequois,

RD #2, Seaford, Vt.

July 19 or 20,1 think …

Mr. Laurence Clarke

c/o Miss Rozanne Gumbino

311½ West 20th Street

New York 10011

Beloved and treasured Mad Poet—

Naughty Nasty N. and I absolutely flipped over your letter. Quelle brittle! Are Rozanne’s breasts that much better than mine? I think I’m jealous!!

And NNN is jealous because you didn’t do unto her as you did unto Rozanne. We’re both afraid that our Mad Poet doesn’t love us anymore, and if you’re not terribly good to us we’ll hire your first wife’s father to sue Rozanne Gumball for alienation of affection.

Your advice got here too late—I’d already made the mistake of letting the lifeguard get to me. Beautiful romantic setting, full moon, blah blah blah. He gave me a totally boring fuck on the diving board and all I could feel was the burlap under my behind. It took forever for the marks to go away. He’s a beautiful guy, great body, outstanding equipment, but no idea what to do with it. Wham, bam, and not even thank you, ma’am. He came before I even left, and then he let out this yell and flipped off into the pool!!! I’m not kidding, he really did!!! When I politely suggested that perhaps he could eat me, he announced that a real man never did a thing like that. Can you believe it????

All is well now, though. Miss Naughty Nastiness and I have connected with the camp’s three stone-freaks, and if we don’t all get fired it should be a dynamite summer. Three skinny guys with long hair and scraggly beards, but do they ever know where it’s at!! They’re also into each other, so the five of us get together for total group gropes now and then, which is fun.

Love ya,

Dawn

Hello, there, you Mad Poet you! This is Miss Hall speaking. I’m afraid we can’t accept your invitation, as us slaves is not allowed to leave the ole plantation until the end of the season. Until the cotton is harvested, I mean.

You are our freaky Mad Poet and we love you. Kiss Rozanne for me.

Miss Hall

Me too!!!

Dawn

Hi! Just wanted to get the last word in edgewise…

NNN

29

Cuernavaca

Mr. Laurence Clarke

c/o Gumbino

311½ West 20th Street

New York, New York

Dear Larry—

Greetings from the biggest horse’s ass in Mexico.

You guessed it. Fran took off and left me, and I’ve spent the past few days in a drunken stupor. Tequila can really wipe a person out.

Now that she’s gone and it’s all over, I can see what a complete bastard I was. I