Ruined Map - Abe Kobo [85]
“One way or another, you did open it without permission, didn’t you?”
“But it was for Mr. Nemuro’s own good. When someone’s on the verge of committing suicide, I don’t think it constitutes a crime to break down the door to get in.”
“I’m not blaming you particularly. I’m just asking for the facts.”
“What for?”
“Why didn’t you tell me from the first that the shop in F—Town was a fuel supplier? Don’t tell me you didn’t know. You haven’t been frank with me. Is there anything else you’ve been hiding?”
A blush spread over his face. Defiantly he stuck out his lips. His breathing was heavy. “You really do say things that destroy a person’s good intentions. I showed you those pictures of my own accord … without any thought of reward. If I hadn’t said anything you would never have known about them. What a fool I was to tell you.”
“It’s strange of you to say that. Weren’t you particularly trusted by Mr. Nemuro? Isn’t it natural for you to cooperate spontaneously with me?”
“I don’t think it can be put that simply,” he said sulkily, biting his lip. “You’d like to put it that way because it’s your business, but … there’s more to life than just pursuing. Sometimes it’s more important to shield.”
“But Mr. Nemuro’s disappearance doesn’t necessarily depend only on his own will. Perhaps he’s been killed, or maybe he’s being held by force somewhere.”
“Don’t be ridiculous!”
“Does that mean you’re shielding him?”
“How would you expect me to have such power? Personally, I hope Mr. Nemuro will come back. But I don’t think I’m entitled to say so. Supposing, for the moment, I saw him somewhere. I don’t know whether I’d go up to him or not. I don’t know whether I could do that even if I wanted to. If I had the chance, I would like to talk to him with the understanding that I would say absolutely nothing to anyone. It’s natural, because I’m very interested in the case. He’s great! I could never do what he did.”
“He didn’t do anything so great.”
“Well, could you do what he did?”
“Unfortunately, I’ve never yet been the head of a section.”
“I couldn’t. That stupid business. I’d like to put the torch to it when I think how they prostitute valuable human lives for a business like that. But I suppose it’s the same no matter where you go. As long as you work there, somehow or other you’ve got to try and rise to head clerk, then section head, then department head. At least it’s just too miserable if you don’t do something. You get ahead of your fellow workers and dance attendance on your superiors. Even fellows who don’t have any hope for advancement try to pull the others down. They’re all mixed up together like so much fluff.”
“Then, unexpectedly, a fellow who has sought shelter by disappearing from another world slips in among them.”
My companion looked at me in surprise. Since he was trying to see me through glasses that had slipped down his nose, his face was somewhat elevated, and some hairs left by the razor stood out like thorns above his pointed Adam’s apple.
“Yes, indeed,” he said, lowering his voice somewhat, as if relieved and expectant. “Look. So many people all the time walking somewhere. Each one has some goal. A fantastic number of goals. That’s why I like to sit here and watch. If you cling to trifles, you’re left behind. They all keep on walking like that without resting. Whatever would they do if they lost their goals and were put in the position of just watching others walk? Just thinking about it paralyzes my feet. Somehow it makes me feel lonely and miserable. I really know how lucky they are to be able to be walking, no matter how insignificant their goals may be.”
Suddenly, quite out of context, I was skeptical as to why my client had not tried to go to the crematorium after her brother’s funeral. Even though the syndicate had taken charge of everything, she was the only blood relative, and it would have been natural