Scenes From Village Life - Amos Oz [52]
He stayed where he was for a minute or two after the women left, while his body calmed down, and said to Ada in a voice slightly deeper than usual that he would be with her in a moment. Meanwhile, she entered in the computer the books that the two women had returned and had borrowed.
Ada Dvash and Kobi sat side by side at the desk, as if he too were working in the library. The silence between them was broken only by the humming of the air conditioning and the buzzing of the neon light. They talked about Virginia Woolf, who had drowned herself at the height of the Second World War. Ada said she could not understand how anyone could commit suicide in the midst of a war. It was hard to imagine that she hadn't had an iota of a sense of involvement, or any curiosity to know how things would turn out, and which side would be victorious in that terrible war that would affect everybody in the world in one way or another. Didn't she want to know whether her own country, England, would survive or would be conquered by the Nazis?
"She was in despair," Kobi said.
"That's just what I don't understand," Ada said. "There's always at least one thing that is precious to you and that you don't want to be parted from. Even just a cat or a dog. Or your favorite armchair. The view of the garden in the rain. Or the sunset from the window."
"You're a happy person. Despair is obviously alien to you."
"No, not alien. But it doesn't attract me either."
A bespectacled woman in her twenties came into the library. She had full hips and was wearing a flowery blouse and tight-fitting jeans. She screwed up her eyes at the bright neon light, smiled at Ada and at Kobi, asked Kobi if he was going to be the deputy librarian. She wanted some help looking for material on the events of 1936–39, otherwise known as the Arab Revolt. Ada showed her sections on the history of Israel and the Middle East, and the two of them pulled out one book after another and examined the tables of contents.
Kobi went to the sink next to the toilet and washed the two coffee cups. The clock above the desk showed twenty to nine. Another evening will go by without you revealing your feelings. This time you mustn't let the chance slip. When you're both alone again you must take her hand in your hands and look her straight in the eyes and tell her at last. But what are you going to tell her? And what if she bursts out laughing? Or if she panics and pulls her hand away? Or she might be sorry for you and press your head to her chest and stroke your hair. Like a child. Pity seemed to him more terrifying than any rejection. It was clear to him that if she behaved as if she were sorry for him, he would not be able to stop himself from crying. There was no way he could hold back his tears. And then it would all be over, and he would run away from her into the darkness.
Meanwhile, even though the coffee cups were dry he kept on rubbing them with the dishtowel that hung on a hook next to the sink, staring as he did so at a moth that was hurling itself desperately at the neon tube.
4
THE BESPECTACLED WOMAN said thank you and left, carrying five or six books on the Arab Revolt in a plastic bag. Ada entered the details of the books on the computer from the cards that lay in front of her on the desk. She explained to Kobi that she was not really allowed to lend more than two books at a time, but that this girl had to hand in an essay in ten days' time.
"It'll be nine o'clock soon, and then we'll shut the library and go home," she said.
At the sound of the words "go home," Kobi's heart started to pound in his chest as though they contained some secret promise. The next moment he crossed his legs because his body was aroused again and threatened to embarrass him. An inner voice said to him that come shame or mockery or pity he mustn't give up, he had to tell her.
"Ada, listen."
"Yes."
"Do you mind if I ask you something personal?"
"Go on."
"Have