Schismatrix plus - Bruce Sterling [149]
"We were different people then."
"No. I thought I could make myself different.... I thought that with you dead, you and Vera, I'd be a clean slate, a machine for pure ambition.... A bullet fired into the head of history.... I tried to seize power over love. I wanted everything bound in iron. And I tried to bind it. But the iron broke first."
"I understand," Lindsay told him. "I've also learned the power of plans. My life's ambition awaits me in Europa." He took the brochure. "It could be yours, too. If you want it."
"I told you in my message that I was ready for death," Constantine said.
"You always want to sidestep things, Abelard. We go back a long way together, too far for words like 'friend' or 'enemy.' ... I don't know what to call you, but I know you. I know you better than anyone, better than you know yourself. When you face the consummation, you'll step aside. I know you will. You'll never see Europa."
Lindsay bowed his head.
"It has to end, Abelard. I measured myself against the world, that was why I lived. And I cast a large shadow. Didn't I?"
"Yes, Philip." Lindsay's voice was choked. "Even when I hated you most, I was proud of you."
"But to measure myself against life and death, as if I could go on forever.... There's no dignity in that. What are we to life? We're only sparks."
"Sparks that start a bonfire, maybe."
"Yes. Europa is your bonfire, and I envy you that. But if you go to Europa you will lose yourself in it. And you couldn't bear that."
"But you could do it, Philip. It could be yours. Your people will be there. The Constantine clan."
"My people. Yes. You co-opted them."
"I needed them. I needed your genius.... And they came to me willingly."
"Yes. . . . Death defeats us in the end. But our children are our revenge against it." He smiled. "I tried not to love them. I wanted them to be like me, all steel and edge. But I loved them anyway ... not because they were like me, but because they were different. And the one most different, I loved the best."
"Vera."
"Yes. I created her from the samples I stole here, in the Republic. Flakes of skin. Genetics from the ones I loved. . . ." He looked at Lindsay pleadingly. "What can you tell me of her, Abelard? How is your daughter?"
"My daughter...."
"Yes. You and Vera were a splendid pair.... It seemed a shame that death should make you barren. I loved Vera too; I wanted to guard her child, and the child of the man she chose. So I created your daughter. Was I wrong to do it?"
"No," Lindsay said. "Life is better."
"I gave her everything I could. How is she?"
Lindsay felt dizzy. Beneath him, the robot slid a needle into his unfeeling leg. "She's in the labs now. She is going through the transformation."
"Ah. Good. She makes her own choices. As we all must." Constantine reached beneath his lounge chair. "I have poison here. The attendants gave it to me. They grant us the right to die."
Lindsay nodded in distraction as the drugs calmed his pounding heart.
"Yes," he said. "We all deserve that right."
"We could walk out to the impact site together, you and I. And drink the poison. There's enough for two." Constantine smiled. "It would be good to have company."
"No, Philip. Not yet. I'm sorry."
"Still no commitment, Abelard?" Constantine showed him a glass vial filled with brown liquid. "It's just as well. I have trouble walking. I have trouble with all dimensions, since . . . since the Arena. That's why they gave me new eyes. The eyes see dimensions for me." He twisted the top from the vial with gnarled fingers. "I see life for what it is now. That's why I know I must do this." He put the poison to his lips, and drank it down. "Give me your hands."
Lindsay reached out. Constantine gripped his hands. "Both of them are metal now?"
"I'm sorry, Philip."
"No matter. All our beautiful machines..." Constantine shuddered briefly. "Bear with me, this won't take long."
"I'm here, Philip."