Second Chance - Jane Green [115]
‘Doesn’t that make you think of Tom?’ Paul looks around the table with a grin.
‘What do you mean?’ Olivia looks confused.
‘Don’t you remember that time he was upstairs in a bedroom with that girl, oh God, what was her name… pretty, blonde, year above you. Kate something…’
‘Oh God!’ Saffron barks. ‘Kate Barrowman! I’d completely forgotten that!’
Holly and Olivia start to laugh as Paul continues telling the story to Will. ‘He was getting up to no good…’
‘Almost to fourth base from what I remember,’ Holly adds, rolling her eyes.
‘Yes, well, everyone was supposed to be out of the house but her dad apparently had his workshop or something in the attic, and he came down and caught Tom and Kate, half naked, writhing around on the parents’ bed. I think Tom had a similar thing – falling down the stairs as the father threatened to kill him.’
There’s a silence as they all sit, remembering Tom, remembering being sixteen, snuggled under coats in dark bedrooms on the top floors of unfamiliar houses, making out with strangers and swigging planter’s punch as they pretended to be sophisticated.
‘This is very weird,’ Saffron breaks the silence softly, her voice in a half whisper.
‘What?’ The others look at her questioningly.
‘This. That we’re sitting here talking about Tom with Tom’s brother, and Tom’s not here. It’s just…’ She blinks hard two or three times, willing the tears that have suddenly welled up not to fall.
‘It’s just that Will looks exactly like Tom used to now that he’s had his hair cut, and I keep catching myself wanting to call him Tom, or about to remind him of something he did or something we all did, and then I remember that it’s not Tom because Tom is dead, and I just feel this enormous sense of loss.’ Saffron wipes a tear from her eye.
Nobody feels differently. They have all been sitting there thinking exactly the same thing, but no one has dared say it, no one has dared to admit their own grief or their own loss when Tom’s brother is sitting in the room. Tom’s brother. How could they possibly have a right to feel this way when his own brother seems to be managing fine?
‘I’m so sorry I’m not Tom,’ Will says quietly, his voice breaking. ‘I’m sorry for all of you that it’s not Tom sitting here, and mostly I’m sorry for me. I’m sorry that it wasn’t me that was on that train. Tom was so good. Just all good, through and through. He was loved by everyone. He had a wife and children. He never deserved to be blown apart. I keep thinking that his absence has left such a gaping hole in so many people’s lives when it could have been me, and I wouldn’t have been missed. It should have been me,’ he says, as his own tears start to fall.
‘That’s not true, Will.’ Saffron turns to him. ‘It shouldn’t have been you. You would be missed by a tremendous number of people and I’m so sorry, Will. I never meant to upset you or to make you feel unwanted.’
Will stands up and allows Saffron to give him a hug before he walks quietly out of the back door. They all watch through the window as he walks across the field to the tree stump, where he sits down and buries his face in his hands.
‘I feel horrible,’ Saffron says. ‘I didn’t mean to make him feel bad.’
‘You did not,’ Anna says. ‘I have a sense this may have been… cathartic… for him. I imagine he has just been able to say the thing he has been carrying around with him for months, that he has never before been able to say. Can’t you just see it all over his face? Poor man, the guilt he is carrying must be terrible.’
Holly stands up with a start. ‘Keep an eye on the kids,’ she says quickly. ‘I’m just going to see if he’s okay,’ and she disappears out of the door. She hasn’t been able to take her eyes off Will, and knowing he is sitting there crying is tearing her heart apart. How can she not go to him? How can