Second Chance - Jane Green [133]
Enough. Holly had shivered when she heard this, knowing that she felt the same way but refusing to dwell on it. Refusing to consider that while it may have been enough for Julia, it may not be enough for Holly.
Last year she bumped into Julia at the book shop. It was one of those dull, drizzly London afternoons. Daisy was at a playdate and Oliver was bored, Holly more so. He couldn’t amuse himself at home, none of his friends were around. Holly felt too guilty about planting him in front of the television for a further two hours.
She stuck him in the car and went to the local Waterstone’s. Admittedly he was a little old for the Thomas the Tank Engine train set, but she promised him a hot chocolate in the café, and he settled himself in a corner with a Star Wars book as she went up to join the queue of mothers who had all had the same idea.
‘Holly?’ It was Julia. They exchanged a hug, both of them genuinely delighted to see one another.
‘How are you?’ Holly pulled back, looking at her. ‘You look great!’ And it was true. Julia did look great. Holly had only known her pregnant and then for the three years or so after the birth, when Julia didn’t seem able to lose her pregnancy weight, always what Holly would describe as ‘a big girl’.
Yet now she was skinny. Like a gazelle. Tall and graceful, there was nothing of her. And her whole face had changed – was it Holly’s imagination or was she… glowing?
‘I am great.’ Julia beamed. ‘Have you time to sit down? Can we have a coffee together?’
‘So what’s your secret?’ Holly insisted, stunned by the change.
‘I’m getting divorced,’ Julia said, and Holly’s mouth fell open.
‘What? How? Why?’
‘Oh God.’ Julia rolled her eyes. ‘I was so unhappy. I’ve been so unhappy for such a long time. Don’t get me wrong, Dave isn’t a bad guy, he’s just entirely wrong for me, and we never should have got married.’ She shrugged, used to telling her story, used to sitting opposite women like Holly who quizzed her for the answers to their own unhappiness.
‘I knew, walking down the aisle, that I was making a terrible mistake,’ she said, ‘but I didn’t know how to stop it, I just let myself get pulled along, caught up in the momentum and excitement of planning a wedding, and I thought I’d make it work. I knew things were missing but I thought it would be enough.’
Holly had so many questions she wanted to ask. And so many questions she didn’t. Questions that she already knew the answers to because she had been there herself, was just trying for a different outcome.
‘But the divorce… isn’t it awful? Everyone says going through a divorce is ghastly, and yet here you are looking amazing and seeming so… happy.’
‘I am happy.’ Julia laughed. ‘Everyone says they’re so sorry I’m getting divorced and I always tell them not to be. And then, of course, there are the people who tell me I haven’t got a right to feel this happy, that I need to give myself time to grieve for my marriage, that I won’t get out of this scot-free, that something will come back to bite me.’
‘And will it?’
‘I doubt it. Frankly I did my grieving for my marriage while I was in it. Since the moment I left him, I’ve felt nothing but relief. Sure, there are moments when I am down, when I wonder how I’m going to do it, but I’ve been liberated. I feel like I’ve discovered myself, I’m being true to myself again.’
She looked at Holly intently, and Holly shivered.
‘How are you?’ Julia then asked gently. ‘How is Marcus?’
And Holly raised her eyes to meet Julia’s and shook her head. ‘I can’t,’ she whispered, ‘I can’t go there, Julia. Not yet. I’m not ready. Let’s talk about something else. Tell me about Felix, he must be enormous now, how’s school?’
She hasn’t seen Julia