Second Chance - Jane Green [24]
I’ll just enjoy it, Holly had thought to herself. I know he’s not the man of my dreams, but he’s so different from everyone else I’ve been involved with, maybe this is better for me, maybe this is what a real relationship looks like. Maybe I was the one who was wrong, maybe I shouldn’t have looked for a soulmate, a perfect partner, maybe this is what I am supposed to be looking for instead.
Holly had been looking for safety. She had been looking for security at a time when she didn’t feel secure. Her heart had been broken one too many times, and she didn’t think she could do better, she didn’t think she deserved a happy ending. She told herself that happy endings existed only in Hollywood films. That friendship, security, and shared hopes and dreams were far more sensible, far more likely to result in a long and happy marriage.
She’d told herself that it was okay to settle. That she could be a grown-up for once and make a grown-up decision. That it would be enough.
But during her entire marriage, when Holly’s thoughts have turned to Tom, Tom has always there as the symbol of what might have been. He wasn’t just the one that got away, the road not taken, the love she didn’t choose.
Tom was the one Holly knows, deep down, she should have been with. And so the loss is double. She is grieving for her best friend, a man she loves, and she is grieving for the life she was never able to have.
Tonight, at this pre-service dinner, Holly is hoping for something of a catharsis, is hoping that somehow they will be able to share their grief, and move beyond it onto a path of healing.
She is nervous about seeing the others. Is excited but apprehensive. Olivia had been bristly that one time she bumped into her at the cinema with an awful boyfriend who seemed arrogant and rude.
‘I can’t believe I ran into Olivia and she was with this awful, awful man,’ she said to Tom one night soon afterwards, when they were sitting in a small Greek restaurant in Bayswater. ‘All these years of not seeing each other, and you’d think we’d have a fantastic reunion, but he basically dragged her away. You ought to say something to her about her taste in men.’
Tom laughed. ‘It’s none of my business, Holly. She likes him, isn’t that all that matters?’
Holly sighed. ‘I suppose so, it’s just that Olivia was always so sweet and so naive around men and she doesn’t seem to have changed. What’s Saffron up to? Have you spoken to her recently?’
‘You should ask her yourself. She’d love to hear from you.’
‘It’s been too many years. I love hearing about her, but we’ve all drifted apart, and I doubt she’d want to hear from me anyway.’
‘I think she would,’ Tom said. ‘I’m sure she would. You all ask about everyone else but none of you will actually pick up the phone.’
‘It’s because I honestly don’t think any of us have anything in common any more,’ Holly said. ‘Other than a shared history, and frankly how many times can you reminisce about slow dancing in church halls, wearing donkey jackets and monkey boots?’
‘Oh God.’ Tom laughed. ‘I’d forgotten that. You looked terrible.’
‘Yes, well. You with your bad impression of Suggs weren’t so hot either.’
‘Ah yes. I try to forget. But I do think you would have things in common with everyone, of course you would. There was a reason we were all friends.’
‘I don’t know,’ Holly said doubtfully. ‘I think it was just being forced together for so long. You are funny, though,’ Holly said. ‘I can’t believe that you’re still in touch with everyone. How in the hell do you do it? I barely have time to answer the calls on my answerphone at night, let alone make time to phone a ton of people from my past. You’re amazing, you know.’
‘I know. Isn’t that why you love me?’
‘Speaking of love…’ Holly felt a familiar flutter. Here it was again.