Second Chance - Jane Green [6]
And then the engagement and a diamond ring that was bigger than anything Joanie had ever seen, and plans that took on a speed and energy of their own. Holly had phoned and said it would be small, maybe in a little hotel or a service in their local church and a lunch for their friends.
It had ended up being at the Savoy. Two hundred people. Holly glorious in her Jenny Packham sheath dress, but strangely subdued, Joanie had thought – serene and stunning, but there was a hint of sadness that she pushed to the very back of her mind, refusing to acknowledge what it might mean.
Even Holly refused to acknowledge what it might mean. Marcus had proposed, exactly as she had known he would, on bended knee next to the River Thames beside the Southbank Centre. He had the ring, exactly as she had known he would, and she couldn’t think of a reason to say no.
After all, he was everything she thought she ought to have been looking for, and soon she was swept up in the momentum of planning the wedding – so very much more lavish than she had wanted, but this was Marcus’s day too – and she didn’t stop to question her doubts, didn’t stop to allow them space to breathe and grow.
Looking back, an observer might say that Holly seemed heavy on her wedding day. Not heavy in weight – Holly was positively tiny on the day itself, the stress of keeping Marcus happy already having taken its toll – but there was a weight on her shoulders, a flatness of spirit, a heavy energy.
She kissed Marcus, she danced, she greeted her guests and lit up when talking to people she loved, but it wasn’t perhaps what you would expect from the bride on a day that is supposed to be the happiest day of her life.
Joanie had not been able to put her finger on it, but if you asked her, if you gave her the words, she would nod in wonder, for that is exactly what she felt. And all these years on, she worries that Holly isn’t happy. Worries that, despite outward appearances and despite the children, Marcus has become too difficult, too imperious for Holly to stay.
Holly could judge Marcus, could find the faults his mother finds unbearable but, on the whole, she doesn’t. She knows that there is a different Marcus, wouldn’t be with him still, surely, if there wasn’t a different Marcus hiding behind the pomposity and grandness.
Holly knows that deep down there is a frightened little boy who doesn’t feel good enough; and in order to try to feel good enough he has to surround himself with people he deems worthy; fraternizing with anyone less than himself would diminish him in other people’s eyes, so he doesn’t bother with anyone he regards as inferior.
It was one of the reasons he fell in love with Holly. She came from the background he wished he had, was the ultimate trophy wife. Except once he had her, he had to subtly put her down, make sure she never thought she was better than he was, make sure that he was still able to feel superior.
Despite all this, Marcus has good points. Of course he does; why else would Holly have married him? For starters, he loves her, or at least Holly believes he loves her. He performs random acts of kindness, thought-fulness. When he passes the newsagent on the way home from work and sees the latest Hello! or heat, he will always pick it up for her. He frequently sends her beautiful flowers, and occasionally comes home with a Crunchie or a Kit-Kat, Holly’s favourite forbidden indulgence.
He is, when home, great with the children. Not for very long, and only when the children are behaving as he thinks appropriate, i.e. no screaming, whining, crying or hitting – all the behaviours, incidentally, that Holly has to put up with all the time – however, the children are too terrified to behave in ways anything other than exemplary, and on those occasions Holly’s friends will watch him approvingly and murmur what a wonderful father he is.
And he is a wonderful husband