Second Chance - Jane Green [82]
‘I’m sorry I’m late,’ she continues, ‘but I’m so happy to be here. I missed the reading of the step, obviously, and I skimmed it a bit, but I really need to talk about where I am today.’ She takes a deep breath. ‘You know, for years I’ve had really good, clean sobriety. I swore I’d never go back to the place I came from when I first came into these rooms and, for so long, it’s been so easy for me to be surrounded by alcohol without giving it a second thought.
‘And I suppose I’ve grown complacent about it. You always hear in these rooms that this is a simple programme but it isn’t easy, and that it works if you work it, and I suppose that sitting here today I realize how utterly true that is. Because I haven’t been working it lately. I’ve been like that man who says, “Thanks for the ride, God, I can take it from here.”’ The group laughs in recognition, and Saffron pauses for a while before continuing. ‘So I think that recently I’ve been trying to do it by myself, and it’s not working.
‘I find myself sitting in meetings fairly regularly, talking about what I’m not doing, no stepwork, barely calling my sponsor, occasionally reading literature when I’m desperate, but I don’t seem to have the will to do anything more. And even though I’m not drinking, recently I’ve found myself watching people in restaurants with, say, a glass of wine, and thinking: “I could do that. Why couldn’t I have just one glass of wine with dinner in a restaurant? I’m sure I could do that.”’ The group laughs again. ‘And even though on some level I know I can’t, on another I think I can, and I have to tell you, I’m completely white-knuckling it.’
She takes a breath. ‘And then there’s my relationship.’ She doesn’t say his name, remembers her sponsor’s advice from a long time ago: Don’t talk about him in rooms unless it’s in very general terms. Despite the principle of anonymity, everyone loves to talk, loves to gossip, and this is too big a secret for people to keep to themselves. Be careful, she said. Very careful.
Still. There were people who knew, or thought they knew. No one had proof, but a few had seen the way they looked at each other, a few had noticed the closeness between them even when they were sitting on opposite sides of the room and even when they took great pains to avoid each other during the coffee break and after the meeting.
‘I’m struggling with it at the moment. I know that I have to learn acceptance. That it is what it is, and I have to accept that he can’t be with me all the time, but it’s just so bloody hard. And then I’ve got this huge audition tomorrow that I feel a bit sick about, and…’ She heaves a big sigh. ‘You see? This is what happens to me when I don’t work my programme. I just get completely overwhelmed by my life. But I’m here, and I heard what I needed to. I need to pray for the willingness to turn my will and my life over to the care of my higher power. Because ultimately I’m not in control, and everything will work out the way it’s supposed to, and I have to remember that. And I’m making a commitment to the group today to go home and start working on my step one again. I’ve been promising my sponsor for ages that I will do it, and this is my commitment to you. Anyway,’ she glances down at the timer in her hand, ‘time’s up. Thank you, everyone, for sharing, and I’m just so damned grateful I have a place that’s home and I have a place where people listen and understand.’
Afterwards, a girl Saffron has seen only a couple of times comes up to her. She’s pretty, dressed like every other actress in LA, and something in her eyes gives the impression that she may not be entirely trustworthy.
‘Hi, I’m Alex,’ she says, putting her arms around Saffron and giving her a giant hug, which is still something Saffron is not entirely comfortable with, although she thinks perhaps this is her English reserve. She will happily accept hugs from friends, from colleagues in the programme whom she has known well and for years, but to have a stranger hug you so intimately never feels quite