Second Chance - Jane Green [95]
‘How was your day?’ Marcus smiles across the table at her as he accepts a menu, his thin fingers opening it up, and as he glances down, Holly thinks about Will’s fingers. She loves his fingers. Loves his hands. Loves watching him move them, could spend hours fixating on his forearms. She has become used to Marcus’s lanky, pale body, the hair on his arms black against the whiteness of his skin, his fingers elegant and expressive but not strong. Not sexy.
Will has large hands. Thick fingers. Holly can see the muscles move under the skin when he moves his wrists. His skin is dark, almost olive. He looks as if he has been sunbathing even in the middle of winter, although, as he points out, he usually is sunbathing in the middle of winter, on some exotic island with some exotic woman. Holly tries not to think of the woman.
But how different from Marcus. Holly suppresses a slight shiver – lust? Revulsion? She doesn’t know, but she moves her gaze away from Marcus’s fingers to meet his eyes.
‘Everything all right, darling?’ he says, but he is not asking because he suspects anything; it is just one of his stock phrases.
‘Let’s order.’ Holly forces a smile and swigs another gulp of her drink as the waiter comes over, taking a deep breath when he finally leaves.
‘Marcus,’ she starts, ‘we need to talk. I…’ She pauses. How does she say this? What are the words she should use? It felt so easy earlier today, practising in front of the bathroom mirror, having a one-way conversation with herself in the car after she’d dropped the kids off at school.
‘I feel so disconnected from you,’ she says slowly, barely able to look him in the eye. ‘You seem to be at work all the time, and uninterested in us, and I’m not happy.’ There. She said it. She raises her eyes to meet his, almost scared of his reaction. ‘This just isn’t what I expected marriage to be.’
‘What?’ Marcus looks dumbstruck. ‘What on earth are you talking about? I don’t understand. What are you trying to say?’ He looks hurt and angry, exactly the reaction Holly expected. Exactly the reaction she doesn’t want.
Because Marcus’s anger scares her. Has always scared her. It is why she has never confronted him before. His temper is not something she sees often, but when it emerges it is explosive. He shouts and stamps, much like a little boy, and he can be both cutting and cruel.
He has said many a thing in anger that has wounded Holly deeply, and she has retreated from him for a few days to lick her wounds and attempt to heal. He is always contrite eventually and she has always forgiven him and has tried hard not to do or say anything that will set him off again.
She has thought, she realizes tonight, many times of what her life would be like if she were single, if she were to leave Marcus and raise her children herself. She has lain in bed and planned it many times, but the plan always starts with her telling Marcus she is leaving, and she can almost predict what he will say. ‘Me, leave?’ he would shout, his voice fierce with anger, causing Holly to shrink. ‘Me? You’re the one who wants to leave. You leave. I’m staying in the house with the kids.’ And he is a divorce lawyer, after all, and knows what he’s entitled to. He knows how to fight the dirty fight, and Holly has always been just too damned scared.
‘I’m not saying anything,’ Holly speaks calmly, trying to smooth things over, and she reaches over and takes his hand. ‘Marcus, listen to me. I’m saying that I’m not happy. That I’m sure this is just a phase in our marriage, but that something needs to change, I can’t go on like this.’
‘Like what?’ His voice is icy cold.
‘Like this!’ Her voice rises with anger, and she consciously takes a deep breath.