Second Helpings_ A Jessica Darling Novel - Megan McCafferty [121]
To me, this meant one thing: college.
Fifty grand would pay for tuition, room, and board for about three and a half semesters at Columbia. I could take out loans and do work study for the rest. I don’t need my parents’ permission, approval, or pocketbook. I can—and will—do this on my own if I have to.
Finally, I can be free.
So why do I still feel trapped?
the sixth
To me, the revelation about Gladdie’s secret pastime is ultimately more shocking than the money itself. It started me thinking about how little you can actually get to know about a person. You can talk to someone, spend time with that person, share experiences and emotions and bond in all the ways that we like to think we’re bonding or whatever, but it still doesn’t get you any closer to someone’s secret self. All couples through the ages have been kidding themselves. No one ever really gets to know anyone in this world. It’s a collective delusion that makes love (or lust, for that matter) possible.
All of these thoughts have everything to do with the fact that I had to face Marcus in school today.
I kissed Marcus, but do I know him any better now than I did before? Not at all. I only know the Game Master, but that’s not really him. He doesn’t know me any better now, either. I wasn’t really me when we were fogging up the bathroom mirror. I was, as Bridget pointed out, under emotional duress, which means Marcus was taking advantage of me at my weakest. That was a really shady thing to do, wasn’t it?
We kissed. So what? Kissing is nothing these days. Kindergarteners kiss. Did it really mean anything? No. Did it bring us any closer? No. Do I understand him any better? No. Does it make a difference in our lives? No.
Since this was a totally insignificant nonevent, I decided that I wouldn’t say anything about it at all. I would just ignore that it happened. I would say “Hey” to Marcus as usual, maybe even thank him for coming to Gladdie’s wake, but that’s as far as it would go.
Why I thought the Game Master would make it that easy is beyond me.
“Hey, Jessica,” Marcus said in a voice that was softer, more careful than usual.
“Hey, Marcus,” I replied casually. “Thanks for coming to Gladdie’s wake. It was very nice of you.”
I gathered my books to head to homeroom, but he stopped me in my tracks, simply by standing there with his hands rattling inside his pockets.
“You okay about . . . everything?”
“Uh . . . I’m still sad, of course.”
“Naturally,” he said. “But I meant, you know . . .”
I tried to avert my eyes, not wanting to go where he wanted to go with this conversation. So I took an alternate route.
“Did you know Gladdie was a financial genius?”
His posture relaxed, but his hands stayed in his pockets.
“Everyone knew.”
“Then why didn’t you tell me?”
His clasped his hands in front of his chin, as if in prayer.
“Because you told me to stay out of your business,” he said.
I snorted. “That never stopped you before.”
He squeezed his hands tighter. “Jessica, I want to talk about what happened.”
“No,” I said, getting hot and jumpy. I don’t know what it was about his not telling me about Gladdie that had anything to do with anything. All I knew was that I was upset by the notion of his knowing something about my own grandmother that I didn’t.
“I want to talk about this. You claim that you want to stay out of my business, but then you go ahead and get involved, anyway.”
“I can’t believe you’re getting upset at me. I only wanted what was best for you.”
“That’s not your responsibility,” I said.
“And why not?” he asked, his body rigid with tension.
“Well, you’re not my boyfriend.”
“Being your boyfriend will not make this any more real, Jessica. I’ve been the boyfriend of dozens of other girls, and none of those relationships were real.”
“Well, neither is this one.”
He took a step toward me, and I backed away. He leaned in so only I could hear him.
“When are you going to stop doing this?”
“Doing what?”
“Pushing me away.