Second Helpings_ A Jessica Darling Novel - Megan McCafferty [140]
.jpgs via e-mail.) I’ll redeem myself over the next few months, you’ll see. You escaped more than three years ago, but I still consider you an honorary member of Pineville High’s Class of 2002 (a dubious honor, that). I’m sure you can’t wait to hear all about the former classmates I’ll try—and fail—to avoid all summer.
So, yes, I’ve been the hetero-female variation of pussy whipped. I wrote to Marcus so much this past year that it was hard to find time to write to you, too. (And while I’m making excuses, I’ll also mention how I actually had to apply myself for the first time in my academic career.) I’d like to apologize, but I won’t, and not just because a lack of contrition provides the very foundation of the Totally Guilt-Free Guidelines. You know me well enough to recognize that I’m in agony anyway because it’s been a loooooooooooong time since I’ve enjoyed more than the—ahem!—figurative effects of my sexually-spellbound condition . . .
Dickwhippedly yours,
J.
To: jdarling@columbia.edu
From: flutie_marcus@gakkai.edu
Date: May 31St, 2003
Subject: Poetry Spam #21
furious flutter
awakened hummingbird heart
hello hello love
—Original Message—
From: Joe Mailbiz [zihxziwkyg@mailbiz.com]
Sent: May 30th, 2003
TO: flutie_marcus@gakkai.edu
Subject: hello Objectify Simmer tenement checklist
roadway hunk mat freudian mischievous buckboard love gubernatorial Snuggle cretin flatulent furbish quantity furious Seventieth controlled con tireless stereoscopy hummingbird lunch mutineer fourth dialysis backlash concur triumphal percussive allotting coxcomb desist copter aforesaid percent income causation frilly incorporate awakened crosslink bleach apollonian Skullcap Suspend betray ethel adjourn inhibition jolly consider fell pride compose foster dope inviolate flutter assuage chock whale Singlehanded Sawtooth condescend Sunshiny connote dehumidify prissy hello
freshman Summer, june 2003
the first
I keep rereading Marcus’s latest haiku, printed out precisely for this purpose. How did he come up with Poetry Spam? Where did he get the idea to turn his junk email into poetry? I marvel at his talent for revealing the hidden beauty in ordinary things.
I miss him and I know he misses me too.
There’s nowhere to sit in Port Authority unless you buy something. I got booted from Au Bon Pain because I stupidly disposed of my $4.00 shot glass of orange juice. The eagle-eyed Garbage Guard informed me that I was no longer allowed to occupy one of the umbrellaed tables. I left, dejected and dehydrated.
I’m now at Timothy’s World Coffee where there are no open indoor umbrellas to bring me bad luck. I’m sitting on a stool, breaking in my new journal, trying to take teeny-tiny sips from my bottle of Poland Spring water just so I can preserve my right to be here. I’m broke, and there aren’t any water fountains for free, germ-ridden refills.
This is bad because I can chug gallons at a time. Accutane sucks every drop of moisture out of my body. I am one large flake of dandruff. The corners of my mouth are split open and bleeding, and I have to spread Carmex beyond my lip line, which makes me look like I’ve spent the morning sucking on a stick of butter. I hope that by the time I see Marcus my lips won’t be so crusty/greasy.
Sahara skin and lips are just two of Accutane’s side effects. According to the information booklet I should BE ALERT FOR ANY OF THE FOLLOWING:
—DIARRHEA, RECTAL BLEEDING
—SEVERE HEADACHES
—NAUSEA, VOMITING
—CHANGES IN MOOD
Well, if suffering from diarrhea, rectal bleeding, severe headaches, nausea, and vomiting doesn’t swing your mood in some direction, nothing will. Because my mood crests and crashes just fine on its own, I went on Accutane