Second Helpings_ A Jessica Darling Novel - Megan McCafferty [19]
“So how do you like school?” I bravely ventured.
“I love it! Columbia was the best decision I ever made in my life,” he said, running a slender finger around the rim of his mug. “I thought that’s why you might be here.”
I didn’t understand what he meant.
“I thought you might be checking out colleges.”
“Oh, uh. No.”
“Oh,” he said, his mouth forming an oval just wide enough to wrap my lips around.
“Jessica?”
“Uh, what?” I said, snapping back to G-rated reality. “Did you say something?”
“Where are you headed next year?”
Sigh.
When you’re a senior in high school, it’s a given that everyone you come in contact with is going to ask you a variation of the Question within thirty seconds of saying “Hey.” So you’d better have a fast answer. Until today, mine was: “Amherst, Piedmont, Swarthmore, or Williams.”
Paul Parlipiano’s face puckered, as though he had just taken a swig out of a milk carton with an expiration date from the first Bush administration.
“What’s wrong with those schools? It just so happens that all four of them are among the top twenty most difficult to get into in the world. In fact, it’s harder to get into these schools than some of the Ivies.”
Defensive much, Jess?
His face relaxed slightly, just enough to reply, “They’re fine schools.”
“Then what’s with the face?”
“Well, it’s just that they’re all kind of out in the boondocks,” he replied. “How did you decide that you wanted to be on a campus in the middle of nowhere?”
“Do you really want me to get into it?”
Paul Parlipiano leaned back in his chair and made the steeple gesture with his hands. You know, from the childhood rhyme: Here’s the church, here’s the steeple, open the door . . .
I took a deep breath.
“According to the Princeton Review, there are approximately sixteen hundred accredited institutions of higher learning I can apply to. This is way too many, as having too many options always freaks me out . . .”
And thus, for the next half hour, I explained . . .
Jessica Darling’s Process of Collegiate Elimination
Step 1: Eliminate any school that is not in the Most Difficult to Get Into category.
Not everyone can get away with such academic snobbery. With my college boards and jacked transcript, I can be as snooty as all get-out.
Number of Schools Left: 35
Step 2: Eliminate any school “in the red”—in other words, any school located in a state that voted for Bush in the 2000 election.
While I am sure that there are smart people in these red(neck?) states (after all, Hope is surviving in one), I can’t help but be a Northeastern elitist when 75 percent of schools in the Most Difficult to Get Into category are located in states that did not vote for Bush. (Note: This got a chuckle and a nod of approval from Paul Parlipiano.)
Number of Schools Left: 29
Step 3: Eliminate any school located in a remotely urban setting.
My parents have ruled out Columbia, NYU, U. Chicago, Northwestern, U. Penn, Georgetown, and Johns Hopkins because they are all located in “ghettos.” (Note: Pay close attention to this eliminator, as it will come into play later.)
Number of Schools Left: 22
Step 4: Eliminate any school in California.
The California sunshine has fried my sister’s and brother-in-law’s brains. Bethany and G-Money were always scary, but never as much since they moved to the dot commune. As if the state weren’t overrun by blondes already (most of whom are of the fake-titty variety), Bridget flies out there all the time to visit her dad and further her career. Furthermore, I find Californians’ compulsive friendliness unsettling. I think these are enough reasons for staying away from that freaky state.
Number of Schools Left: 20
Step 5: And Canada, for that matter.
Celine Dion. Enough said. (Note: Another chuckle from Paul Parlipiano. I was on, baby. On.)
Number of Schools Left: 19
Step 6: Eliminate any school that any of my classmates have the slightest interest in/chance of getting into.