Second Helpings_ A Jessica Darling Novel - Megan McCafferty [45]
It was probably dehydration, or overexertion and lack of sleep. For a few seconds, I actually wished it was carbon monoxide poisoning. Anything not to be subjected to a car ride home like that again.
the twelfth
Sara thinks I quit the cross-country team because I haven’t had a boyfriend since eighth grade and I’m tired of being mistaken for a lesbian.
“Omigod! Not that I think you’re a quote muff bumper unquote,” she said in homeroom this morning. “I know all about your quote undying love unquote for Paul Parlipiano.” She paused long enough to chew on a yellow Swedish fish. “Then again, he is gay, which makes him the perfect quote beard unquote, doesn’t it?” She popped another piece of candy into her huge gob, the same mouth I wanted to fill with a boxing-gloved fist.
“Sara, I’m so happy to see you eating,” I replied, sweet as the cherry gummy fish she held between her fingers. “You’re obviously comfortable enough with your body not to worry about putting the weight back on. Good for you.” I clapped lightly.
That was mean, I admit. But it shut her up. Bonus: She gave me the unfinished school of Swedish fish left in the bag.
I shouldn’t have been surprised that Sara of all people would offer an opinion, as Sara prides herself on knowing everything about everyone. It turns out that me quitting the cross-country team is already a very big deal, and people who don’t ordinarily offer their amateur analyses are having no problem sharing them.
A Collection of Theories
About Why Jessica Darling
Quit the XC Team
EVEN THOUGH SHE IS A SENIOR CAPTAIN AND
FOUR-YEAR VARSITY VET
And Senior Captains and Four-Year Varsity Vets Just Don’t Quit Right in the Middle of the Season, Goddammit!
Scotty’s Theory:
Females aren’t meant to be athletes. Unless they’re hot, like Anna Kournikova. But who the fuck cares? It’s not like the star player on the football squad quit.
Comment: I definitely agree with the Who the Fuck Cares? aspect of his otherwise sexist analysis. Though I don’t think my weakness is an inherent female thing; it’s just something wrong with me.
Manda’s Theory:
Whatever Scotty said, by default. She might have expressed her own point of view, a feminist take that would have been diametrically opposed to Scotty’s, if she had taken a moment to remove his cock from her mouth.
Comment: That is probably the crudest thing I’ve ever written. It is also one of the truest. Scotty represents everything Manda hates in males—and vice versa. Sex is the only thing they have in common.
Len’s Theory:
I quit the team to devote more time to my studies so I can beat him out as valedictorian.
Comment: I had much pleasure informing him that it would require absolutely no extra effort on my part to kick his academic ass.
Marcus’s Theory:
???
Comment: None. None at all. Okay, maybe one comment . . . No, Jess. No. NO COMMENT.
Bridget’s Theory:
I quit the team because I want to devote more time to obsessing about why Marcus hasn’t expressed his theory.
Comment: Har-dee-har-har.
Hope’s Theory:
I quit the team because it was conflicting with my desire to make good on my second goal for my senior year, which was not to be such a buzzkill.
Comment: She’s partly right. I wasn’t consciously thinking about my goal list when I quit, but I do hope that my freedom will make me less of a mopey mess.
Pepe’s Theory:
I quit the team because as I got to the elite level of competition I would inevitably be outclassed by runners from the continent of Africa, who currently dominate the middle and long distances.
Comment: I laughed, which was his intention.
Then Pepe reminded me how it shocked everyone when he quit the wrestling team last year to go out for the school play.
“They’ll get over it,” he said.
“And if they don’t?”
“Ain’t no problem,” he paused, striking a classic thug pose. “I’ll get a gat.”
“Shhhh,” I half-laughed, half-hushed the Notorious P.E.P.E. “You better keep it down or you’ll get suspended for making death threats.