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By Root 310 0

was the undisputed don of the Madison Avenue Mob, the trendy “trustafarians” who tore through Manhattan nightlife the way that only pretty, unsupervised girls of privilege can. Rose is a Page Six favorite at thirteen. Illegal consort to underwear models at fourteen. Rehabbed at fifteen. Burned out by the whole scene at sixteen. The daughter of a billionaire banker father and a celebrated artist mother, she longs for the normal life she never had. She bravely goes undercover in the strip-mall wastelands of New Jersey to find out whether these simpleminded Bubblegum Bimbos and Assembly-Line Meatballers have it better than she does . . .

That kind of says it all plotwise.

Surreal is the only word I can use to describe the sensation of reading her “fictionalized” take on my world. I must have put the book down a bizillion times, not in anger, but in squirmy discomfort. How does one draw a line between fact and “fictionalized”? Even when Hy, the author, did make things up completely, her imagination seemed more true to life than the reality.

Despite the throw-down interruptions, I read BGB in three hours. I would’ve read it in half that time if I hadn’t stumbled over Hy’s pseudo-ghetto patois. Where’s my Russell Simmons Def-Jam Dictionary when I need it?

I learned a lot about denial by reading this book. Hy’s descriptions of Bridget/Gidget, Manda/Randa, and Sara/Kara could not have been more accurate. But they didn’t recognize the truth when they read it. Why? Because she exposed aspects of their personalities that they try to keep even from themselves.

Sara/Kara: “Fatty chickenhead who catches the vapors and can’t stop cluck cluck cluckin’.” (Bubblegum Bimbos, p. 22)

Translation: Overweight, ignorant gossipmonger who gets caught up in everyone else’s business and can’t stop babbling about unimportant nonissues.

Manda/Randa: “Siamese boo-boo head who will push up on your man before you can say ‘punany.’ ” (BGB, p. 43)

Translation: Two-faced whore who will try to have sex with your boyfriend before you can say “vagina.”

Bridget/Gidget: “Wack for thinking her golden grill is why she gets jerked.” (BGB, p. 18)

Translation: Crazy for thinking her beauty is the source of all her problems.

So you think Hy would’ve gone off on me, right? My neuroses could provide enough material for a trilogy, at least. Maybe even a Harry Potter–style octet.

But Hy didn’t exploit my angsty annoyingness. No. She did something far worse than presenting the real me, flaws and all.

Take this passage, for example:

JENN’S GOT MAD WISDOM AND STEELO. HER BEAN’S BOUNCIN’, SO SHE NEVER LETS TRIFLIN’ SHORTY BULLSHIT GET HER OFF THE HIZZY. SHE’S PIMPED THE SYSTEM AND HER NAME TO BECOME THE SWEETEST FEMALE IN SCHOOL. BUT SHE’S THE ONLY GIRL WHO’S TOO FLEX TO CARE. (BUBBLEGUM BIMBOS, P. 89)

Translation:

JENN’S REALLY SMART AND STYLISH. SHE’S SO BRAINY THAT SHE NEVER GETS UNNERVED BY TRIVIAL HIGH-SCHOOL NONSENSE. SHE’S USED THE SYSTEM TO HER ADVANTAGE BY EXPLOITING HER NAME AND HAS BECOME THE MOST ENVIED GIRL IN SCHOOL. BUT SHE’S TOO COOL TO CARE.

No wonder no one would mistake Jenn Sweet for me. Jenn Sweet is the Jessica Darling I want to be. The me I could be if I only had the cojones. Maybe from now on, when faced with a dilemma, I should ask myself WWJD? What Would Jenn Do?

the twenty-third

Hy’s book has made me even more introspective than usual, if that’s even possible.

Other significant descriptions of Jenn Sweet, the girl I’d like to be:

“. . . goes balls-out in everything she does.” ( BGB, p. 57)

“...her eye is on success, the platinum ring, the only bling she needs.” (BGB, p. 93)

“. . . won’t let anyone jerk her.” (BGB, p. 198)

The realization that I am not any of these things—superconfident, clearly focused on my goals, or unaffected by the actions of others—coupled with the fact that the Columbia application clock is quickly winding down has made me more freaked out than ever about my future.

In search of an answer, I dug through all my stuff from SPECIAL to find that unopened envelope from Mac, my Columbia-only letter of