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By Root 356 0

in between. He doesn’t know he’s hot because he still sees purple cysts on his face when there aren’t any there. He likes to play guitar and can write music but not lyrics. He likes Nirvana and Pearl Jam and respects both bands for not selling out, but does not respect Kurt Cobain for committing suicide. He hates Episode One but loves the original Star Wars trilogy. His favorite author is J. R. R. Tolkein. He believes in obeying laws and following etiquette. He hates anything that can’t be explained, and didn’t see the irony of fronting a band named Chaos Called Creation until I pointed it out to him. He does not appreciate irony or sarcasm. He likes me because I am smart and driven and want to do something with my life. He tells me I’m funny, but I’ve never once heard him laugh at anything I’ve said. His best friend is Marcus Flutie.

This isn’t much. I’ve been dating Len for three months and I barely know him. But unlike John and Ione, it’s not love. Not even close.

the twenty-fifth

You know what I’m thinking about a lot lately?

S-E-X.

Part of the problem is that I have to think about it in order to pass that damn Health and Human Sexuality class.

Today’s topic: The Bush Administration’s Abstinence-Only Initiative.

“There is a movement in Washington to provide funding only for programs that promote abstinence until marriage,” Brandi said.

“So that means no condoms in schools,” Manda said.

“Right!” gushed Brandi. “No condoms or any other information about alternative methods of birth control. The message? Sex outside of a monogamous marriage is hazardous to your health.”

Sarcastic “Yeah, rights” came forth from the Upper Crust zone inhabited by Scotty and his meatballer buddies.

“So how do you all feel about this?”

To my utter mortification, my boyfriend raised his hand.

“Yes, Len?”

He cleared his throat.

Oh, Christ.

“Young people need to learn how to make the right choice between self-restraint and self-destruction. Abstinence-only programming is the only form of sex education that makes sense. Abstaining until marriage is the surest way, and the only effective way, to prevent unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases . . .”

“Sucks for you, Jess,” Scotty said with a snicker.

Everyone laughed. Har-dee-har-hard-on.

Then Manda raised her hand and said, “I agree with Len.”

Scotty rolled his eyes and made a harrumphing noise of annoyance.

“It’s not just a moral issue, it’s a matter of public health.”

This coming from a girl whose moral compass is in the form of two erect nipples pointing toward the nearest penis. I burst out with a spitty, bullshitty snort that caught Brandi’s attention.

“Jessica, would you like to contribute to this discussion?”

“Uh . . .” ALL EYES ON THE VIRGIN AS SHE GIVES HER VIEWS ON A SUBJECT SHE KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT! “It seems that the abstinence-only people are kidding themselves.”

“How so?” Brandi asked.

“Well, for one, people are waiting longer to get married. It’s very unrealistic for the government to think that we’re going to wait until we’re thirty to have sex.”

Though not very unrealistic for me because I am going to die a virgin, but that’s besides the point.

“Secondly, hormones are very powerful things. Teenagers are going to have sex. Without some kind of formal sex education, we’re going to turn to less reliable sources for information, like the Internet. Or friends. To me, it makes the most sense to give us the most comprehensive information available, so we have the power to make informed, intelligent decisions.”

There was a moment of silence. Then the entire class—with the exception of Len and Manda—burst out into applause. It would have made a killer editorial. Oh, well. I was so awed by the appreciation of my classmates that I didn’t notice that Marcus raised his hand.

“Yes, Marcus?”

Oh, Christ.

“Jessica is right about the hormones,” he said. “But she’s wrong about everything else. I can’t speak for the females, but the typical teenage male’s sex drive is so powerful, it has the ability to override the best sex ed. class. If a guy is in