Second Helpings_ A Jessica Darling Novel - Megan McCafferty [94]
My parents fight, of course. But it’s hard to take comfort in this, since they are usually fighting about me.
the fourteenth
Imagine the coldest, cruelest, most cringe-worthy episode of MTV’s Dismissed.
One in which the guy pretends to like one girl, even though her competition for the guy’s affections is hotter and whorier than she could ever be. So the guy really plays it up, and the ugly girl thinks she has a shot, even though it’s obvious to everyone else—the hotter, whorier girl, the camera crew, the viewing audience—that she will be humiliated— harshly—at the end of the half hour. But the ugly girl doesn’t see this; she’s blinded by the guy’s charms. And she gets excited thinking about how personality has won out over whoriness, and fantasizing about her future with this great guy. Then when it comes time for the Dismissal, the guy who has restored her faith in the opposite sex turns to the girl and says, “I wouldn’t do you if you were the last piece of pussy on the planet.” And then he looks right into the camera and laughs and laughs and laughs.
That’s about one-bizillionth as bad as what happened to me today, when Len did the thing he assured me he would never do. He broke my heart on Valentine’s Day. Again.
Len’s Dumping Speech:
“It’s not you. It’s me. And it’s also my mom. She really doesn’t like you very much, and it’s made it difficult to spend time with you, and I thought it was counterintuitive to continue a relationship with someone I can never see. Also, my future is very important to me and I can’t help but feel that since I’ve been with you, my priorities have shifted but not in a positive, productive way. Lately I have realized that we have opposing views on important subjects, including, but not limited to, sexual relations before marriage. I feel that I’ve gotten all I can from this life experience, and that the best thing for both of us is if we put an end to this now, so we can move on to a more fulfilling future.”
When I didn’t respond, he shook my hand in a very businesslike way, then departed.
LEN broke up with ME. ON VALENTINE’S DAY.
I guess it’s better than his breaking up with me the day after Valentine’s Day, knowing all along that he wanted to break up with me on Valentine’s Day.
NO IT’S NOT. IT STILL SUCKS.
Len breaking up with me today was like a Daisy Cutter bomb. Both go by a seemingly harmless name. Both contain fifteen thousand pounds of explosive power. Both drop in plain sight. Both result in total obliteration.
I was so traumatized that I was even willing to talk to my mother about it. I figured I would vent about Len, and she would go off on how any guy who doesn’t appreciate her perfect daughter is obviously undeserving of her company—you know, predictable parental bullshit that I really, really needed to hear.
“He broke up with you? How dare he? Who does he think he is?”
“I know,” I said, all sniffly and pathetic. “I know!”
My mom, being so utterly conventional, followed her half of the dialogue to the letter—until the phone rang.
“Bethie! How are you? How’s my future grandchild? Still kicking? You’re coming to visit? Oh! I couldn’t be happier!”
Babies win out over everything, every time. Even breakups. They’re cute for that very purpose, you know. Otherwise no one would bother with them.
She pulled her mouth away from the receiver to address me. “Bethany is flying out here and might stay for the remainder of her pregnancy! Isn’t that the best news? Doesn’t that cheer you right up?”
“You betcha,” I said, flashing a double thumbs-up before retreating to my room.
Hope keeps reminding me that I never really liked Len all that much. If that’s true, then why does this hurt so bad?
the fifteenth
It got worse. Worse than I could have ever imagined.
WHAT VIRGINAL GUITAR GOD BROKE UP WITH HIS BRAINIAC GIRLFRIEND ON VALENTINE’S DAY SO HE COULD CARRY ON WITH THE VERY EXPERIENCED SUPER-FEMME HALF OF THE CLASS