Seriously_.I'm Kidding - Ellen DeGeneres [1]
When I first sat down to write, I stared at the blank page and tried to think of some strategies for getting started. When I want a guest on my show to start talking and telling a good story, I ask them a question. So I asked myself a question that I would ask a guest: “When did you first fall in love with Tim McGraw?”
That didn’t get me anywhere and I quickly realized I shouldn’t ask myself questions that are so specific to Faith Hill.
So I asked myself a different question.
“What made you take on the role of Precious?”
That didn’t work, either.
So then I began to think about you, the readers. Who are you? What are you doing? What are you wearing? (Not in a weird way.) I thought it would help to put myself in your shoes for a moment. It always helps to think about other people instead of just ourselves. Like, if you want to know what I’m doing right now, I’m driving to work with my top down. The roof of my convertible is up. I am wearing a beret—it helps me think and it makes me feel French. That is also why I’m pretending to smoke a straw, and that is probably why a bus full of tourists is staring at me.
So what would you like to hear about as my reader? I wondered. Perhaps you might like to hear about some of the highlights that have occurred throughout my life and career, but it’s hard to know what highlights you would find exciting versus the highlights I think are exciting. For example, a few years ago I called my credit card company and got a late fee reversed that quite honestly I didn’t think they’d reverse. That was a really big moment for me because you know how cranky some customer service representatives can be when they’re having a bad day. But I don’t know if that qualifies as the type of highlight you’re looking to hear about.
I let my mind wander through some of the biggest moments in my life and then I realized what I needed to do. Since I don’t know specific things about each and every one of you, except that a lot of you are probably brunettes, I decided to include a little something for everyone in this book. You’re going to find some short stories for adults, coloring pages for kids, and many things for all ages in between. You’ll also find self-help tips, some medical advice (from someone who has no medical background nor the authority to dole out medical advice), nutrition facts, and you might even learn how to be happier in your everyday lives. I hope you do.
ADDENDUM
There are a few things I wanted to include in this book but decided instead to save for my memoir. The following is a list of things you will not read about in this book:
Details of my long-term relationship with Javier Bardem.
My years spent in juvie.
My early days as a pioneer of disco.
My involvement with the Milli Vanilli lip-synching scandal of 1990.
My recently discovered half-sister.
The leaked sex tape.
CoverGirl
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Beauty is only skin deep.
Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart.
Throughout my entire life, I have believed in these sentiments. I’ve believed that true beauty is not related to what color your hair is or what color your eyes are. True beauty is about who you are as a human being, your principles, your moral compass. And then in 2008 I was finally able to throw all that hogwash out the window because I was named the new face of CoverGirl cosmetics! Take a bite out of that, world! Check out these cheekbones! I’m a beauty queen! (This is where flashbulbs go off and I turn my head from side to side, posing like a supermodel. It was apparently “too expensive” and “not possible” to put mini lightbulbs in every book, so you’re just gonna have to imagine it. I’m sorry.)
The truth is, I still believe that above all things physical, it is more important to be beautiful on the