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By Root 388 0

It’s one thing to go to a psychic and have a consultation, but it seems like a whole other thing to socialize with one. Could he read her mind the whole time? Did he know when the party was going to get boring? Did he know when they were going to run out of bean dip?

Here is how I imagine the conversation went at dinner between my friend and the psychic. In this dramatic interpretation I will refer to my friend as “Susie” and the psychic as “Psychic.”

SUSIE: Hi, I’m Susie.

PSYCHIC: I know.

SUSIE: How do you know Janet?

PSYCHIC: I knew you were gonna ask me that. We met through mutual friends. How do you know Janet?

SUSIE: We went—

PSYCHIC: Just kidding. I already know. Do you want me to pass you the salad?

SUSIE: Yes, please.

PSYCHIC: I knew you did. Would you like more water?

SUSIE: No thanks.

PSYCHIC: I knew you didn’t.

SUSIE: Okay, well it was really nice talking to you.

PSYCHIC: You’re going to have spinach in your teeth later.

SUSIE: Thanks.

PSYCHIC: I knew you were gonna say that.

Ideas

There’s a famous quote—“When genius strikes one must be ready to play, or they shall be at the mercy of the taskmaster.” I don’t know if you’re familiar with it or not. Okay, I just made it up.

But while I was writing this book, a lot of my ideas came to me at all sorts of crazy times—out at dinner, in the middle of the night, even while hanging upside down on a Pilates machine. I never knew when a brilliant idea was going to hit me because my brain is working 26/7. Since I wanted to be prepared at all times, for the past year I kept a pen and paper on my person—don’t worry about the specifics of where or how. And every time I had a great idea, I would write it down so I wouldn’t forget it.

Here’s an idea that came to me while I was hanging upside down on my Pilates machine eating dinner in the middle of the night. I think it will prove to you that genius can strike at any moment of any day.

Do you ever notice how people—Hang on, I can’t make out that word. I think it says “smile.” Does that say “smile”? No. Maybe it says “simile.” Why would I write down the word “simile”? I don’t even use that word in my daily life. Why would I write it down? Is that a “Q”? Or a “G”? I don’t know what that says. Does it say “monkey”? I don’t remember thinking about monkeys. I remember thinking about pineapple, but that does not look like pineapple. Actually, it kind of looks like a pineapple. It just doesn’t look like the word “pineapple.” Maybe it says “Greenland.” I was just thinking about Greenland. Or was it Iceland? Where does Björk not live? Is this even my handwriting? Who wrote this? Is that blood? No, blood isn’t light blue. It’s definitely ink. What is that word? Astronaut milkshake?

I’m sorry, maybe I shouldn’t have written this chapter.

For the Teenagers

This chapter is 4 cool kids only. U NO WHO U R.

OMG. I’m so happy ur reading this bk. I no I don’t no u, but u r so cool. LOL.

Just want 2 say hi and how r u. What r u doin 2 nite? I M going out l8r 4 dinr w/frenz. I hope they r on time or I will b J.

Here’s a fun-e stor-e. 1 time I told my bro LYLAS. He wuz like whaaaa? And I wuz like J/K! LYLAB. It wuz 2 funny. He wuz like u r 2 much LN. 2 much. LMAO.

N E way… do u like U2? I <3 U2. Do U 2 <3 U2? GJKLE#*OJPOK, LVORPA//%$#. Ooops, I fell asleep on my keyboard!!!!!! OMG! ROTFL.

OK, g2g. TY 4 reading. KIT. 6. TTYL. C U L8R. FSBO.

<3, E

For the Adults Who Don’t Understand the For the Teenagers Chapter and Really Want To

This chapter is for the cool kids only. You know who you are.

Oh my God. I’m so happy that you are reading this book. I know I don’t know you, but I can tell that you are so cool. Just thinking about the fact that I don’t know you, but can still tell that you are cool makes me want to laugh out loud for some reason.

Well, I just want to say hi and see how you are doing. Hey, what are you doing tonight? I am going out later for dinner with a few friends. I hope they are on time or I will be very, very sad.

Here’s a