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There aren’t a lot of hobbies you can eat. Like, let’s say you love to cook. That’s a bad example. Let’s say you love to travel, and everywhere you go, you try the food at the best local—

My point is, I love gardening as a hobby. Right now in our garden, Portia and I are growing tomatoes, peppers, zucchini, beets, eggplant, basil, and a whole assortment of herbs. It smells nice, it looks nice, and I can’t tell you how satisfying it is to be able to host a dinner party and offer my guests the literal fruits of my labor. (As it turns out, these are very different than the fruits of one’s loins. At a recent dinner party, I accidentally asked Martha Stewart how she was enjoying the fruits of my loins and she nearly choked on her stew.)

If you don’t have a garden, I encourage you to plant one. It’s a fun thing to do and it’s great for the planet. And you know what I always say, time and time again—if you want to add a little spice to your life, plant some dill. And learn to salsa.

Adults Only Chapter

As I said, people of all ages watch my show. I have a lot of young viewers, but I also have a lot of older viewers. This chapter is for my older fans—those of you who are slightly more mature. If any kids are reading this book, turn the page now. This chapter is not appropriate for children. It’s for adults who experience adult situations, such as eating dinner before 6:00 and struggling to read menus in dim lighting conditions.

Many adults, myself included, have trouble reading menus when they go out to eat at restaurants because the font is way too small. I know there are products to help with this problem, like reading and magnifying glasses, but I have a better idea. Make the font size larger. There should be a worldwide standard for menu font size. I’ve included a sample menu below with a suitable font size. You’ll notice that the menu font can be large enough to read while also being visually attractive.

Daily Specials for Chez DeGeneres

APPETIZER

Organic Mixed Greens with Teeny Tiny Tomatoes

MAIN COURSE

Something Delicious

SIDES

Fresh Broccolini and Zucchiniini

DESSERT

Raspberry Sorbet with Capers

I don’t know why but everything sounds fancier with capers.

Gambling Tips

I love to play poker. I play it every single day in my dressing room before I go out to do my show. I play it at home. I play it at friends’ houses. I play it on long plane rides and short plane rides. Basically if I’m awake and I’m not eating, working, or training my dogs to set the table, I’m playing poker.

I used to love going to Las Vegas. What a clean, healthy town that is. Here is a fun fact about Las Vegas: You can literally do anything there. Anything. You can smoke in casinos, you can drink four jugs of tequila at once, you can try to spin yourself around on a roulette wheel while wearing only a piece of string on your bottom if you so desire. But what you cannot do under any circumstances—and I found this out the hard way—is eat almonds at a blackjack table. That is a true story. I once tried to eat almonds at a card table and I was told by the dealer to put them away because I wasn’t allowed to eat them there. Sexual encounters with an escort? You got it. Wildly inappropriate public intoxication? Anytime! Having a little protein while doubling down? How dare you even think about it, you stupid, stupid fool.

I don’t know how many of you gamble. How could I? We’ve only just met. But for those of you who enjoy a little risk taking, I thought I would give you a few tips for staying “up” should you find yourselves in a casino or on a riverboat anytime soon.

SLOT MACHINES

Slot machines can be hours and hours of fun. Things spin around and light up when you win and they all make loud, exciting noises that make it sound like coins are pouring out of the machines—even though nowadays you only get a piece of paper, which is much easier to carry around and a lot more sanitary,