Seriously_.I'm Kidding - Ellen DeGeneres [44]
Good luck.
Timeline of a Celebrity’s Day
10:00 a.m.—Gently woken up by houseboy Mañuel
10:00:07 a.m.—Quietly utter the word “snooze,” letting Mañuel know he is to return in nine minutes
10:00:08 a.m.—Dream about ponies
10:09 a.m.—Gently woken up again by houseboy Mañuel
10:09:05 a.m.—Quietly utter the words “snooze, coffee,” letting Manuel know he is to return in nine minutes with a cup of coffee
10:09:06 a.m.—Dream about ponies being friends with turtles
10:18 a.m.—Gently woken up again by houseboy Mañuel. Fed coffee.
10:25 a.m.—Carried into shower
10:30 a.m.—Bathed, shampooed, told I’m pretty by Shower Robot 3000
11:00 a.m.—Driven to work in solar-powered dune buggy
11:30 a.m.—Greeted at work by receptionist, told I’m pretty
1:00 p.m.—Fed lunch
1:30 p.m.—Yoga
2:30 p.m.—Pilates
4:00 p.m.—Tape talk show
5:00 p.m.—Helicopter home
6:00 p.m.—Fed dinner in tree house
8:00 p.m.—Read bedtime story by author of book I’m currently reading, tucked in by houseboy Mañuel, told I’m pretty and to dream of ponies
Sleep
I just read an interesting statistic: 49 percent of people think it’s “wheel barrel,” not “wheelbarrow.” I also read that 33 percent of Americans suffer from some sort of sleep disorder. That’s a lot of people. According to my math, that means nearly 104 percent of the people reading this book right now have trouble sleeping at night.
About half of you out there are going to take sleeping pills to try and fall asleep, and I have to admit that worries me. I’m not a doctor or a mother or that older woman from Touched by an Angel who tried to guide people on the right path, but when I hear about friends and loved ones who are on sleeping pills, for some reason I just want to steer them away from doing that.
I know why I worry. It’s because of all the stories I’ve heard about people who do some pretty crazy things while they’re on sleeping pills—things like walking in their sleep, driving in their sleep, even eating in their sleep. Some people do more in their sleep than I do in a whole weekend.
Sleep-eating is fascinating to me. People get up in the middle of the night and start eating things they find around the house—sometimes things that aren’t even edible. And they have absolutely no memory of it until they wake up the next morning and find the remnants of a half-eaten sofa in their great room.
Some people only find out they’ve been sleep-eating after they start to gain weight. I read about someone who gained seven pounds and had no idea how. Can you imagine waking up one day full of pudding and having to ask your spouse, “Honey, quick question—did we go on a ten-day cruise last night?”
Sleep is one of the most important things we need to stay happy and healthy, and being the type of person that I am, I want to help each and every one of my sleep-deprived readers in any way I can. I thought of some things you can do to get to sleep without drugs. So if you, dear reader, are one of the millions of sufferers, please read on while I attempt to cure you.
Now, some of you are probably reading this book in bed to try and fall asleep. Silly! Unless you get tired from laughing too hard, this isn’t the kind of book that’s going to knock you out. You need to read something boring, like a story written by Harry Connick Jr. or something. Or better yet, a math or science textbook. That’ll put you right out. But by the time you find one of those lying around your house, it’s gonna be midnight. Plus, I don’t want you to have to get up from bed right now. You’ll end up tripping over a lamp cord on your way to the bookshelf. The cord will knock over the lamp, causing the lightbulb inside to shatter into a million pieces. You’ll keep walking, trying to avoid all the glass but how can you, it’s all tiny, tiny shards scattered about a shag rug. So you’ll accidentally step on a piece and you’ll scream, “Shoot!” because your New Year’s resolution was to curse less and, even though it’s hard, you’ve managed to hold pretty true to your