Seriously_.I'm Kidding - Ellen DeGeneres [50]
Then two seconds later, somehow we were back in the States and it was the early nineties and you were on Star Search. You were still part Komodo dragon, and I had a special gown made for you so your tail could stick out. It was very expensive. You were a little nervous to sing in front of Ed McMahon because you loved him so much, but you sang great. You got two and three-quarter stars. Unfortunately, you were beaten by the rock group Journey.
You were heartbroken that you lost, so I took you out to a bar to have a few cocktails. We were having a great time until some drunk guy started making fun of your dress. I punched him in the stomach, and I got thrown out. You didn’t even try and take up for me. You were such a bitch! You know what—who do you think you are after all we’ve been through? I don’t even know how you had the nerve to buy my book. I’m assuming you finally got your operation to turn back into a human, probably with the money I made you. Don’t walk away while I’m talking at you. Who’s calling you right now? Was that a text? From your new best friend? I wonder if you ever told her that you were a reptile in your past. I bet she wouldn’t be so quick to drive you to the airport now, knowing all those lies about you. Not so cool anymore, huh?
I’m sorry I lashed out. You didn’t deserve that. It was just a dream and obviously I’m dealing with some reptilian issues that have nothing to do with you. I’m so glad you bought my book. Please enjoy the rest of the chapters that are probably not about you. You look great as a human, by the way. What kind of moisturizer do you use?
Seriously… I’m Kidding
One of the most challenging parts of writing a book is coming up with the title. You can’t have a book without a title. You can’t. I asked. And it’s very important because the title is the first thing people hear about the book, so you need a good one.
Seeing as this is my third book, it was even more challenging because I already used up two good titles, My Point… and I Do Have One and The Funny Thing Is… (Why not own the complete set? Available everywhere books are sold.)
To come up with the title for this book I thought it would be helpful to look over some best-seller lists and see what titles have been successful in the past. Based on that, at first I thought about calling my book either Eat, Pray, Love 2 or Harry Potter and the Lord of the Twilight Trilogy or The Joy of Sex Part 2: Additional Joys. Unfortunately, my lawyer said I wasn’t allowed to use any of those because of some crazy thing called “copyright infringement.” That turned out to be for the best because as soon as I started to write the first few chapters of The Joy of Sex Part 2, I felt deeply uncomfortable.
I finally decided on Seriously… I’m Kidding because, well, seriously… I’m kidding. (You’ll notice it has the signature “…” that all of my book titles have. I considered not using the “…” and calling it Seriously, I’m Kidding or Seriously? I’m Kidding or Seriously % I’m Kidding but in the end I decided to be consistent with my other books. I’m a big fan of consistency. And beet juice.)
Since I’m a comedian people usually know that I’m kidding. In fact, more often than not people assume I’m kidding even when I’m trying to be serious. That can be frustrating when I’m at the doctor’s or dentist’s office. I’ll say something like, “Your elbow is digging into my neck” or “I think I need more Novocain” and the hygienist will laugh and laugh like it’s the funniest thing she’s ever heard.
It’s always funny to me when people have to clarify that they’re kidding. This usually happens after they’ve delivered an insult to someone that