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insightful book, Getting to Yes. Although the words win-win are not used, the spirit and underlying philosophy of the book are in harmony with the win-win approach. They suggest that the essence of principled negotiation is to separate the person from the problem, to focus on interests and not on positions, to invent options for mutual gain, and to insist on objective criteria --some external standard or principle that both parties can buy into. In my own work with various people and organizations seeking win-win solutions, I suggest that they become involved in the following four-step process: First, see the problem from the other point of view. Really seek to understand and give expression to the needs and concerns of the other party as well as or better than they can themselves. Second, identify the key issues and concerns (not positions) involved. Third, determine what results would constitute a fully acceptable solution. And fourth, identify possible new options to achieve those results.

Habits 5 and 6 deal directly with two of the elements of this process, and we will go into those in depth in the next two chapters.

But at this juncture, let me point out the highly interrelated nature of the process of win-win with the essence of win-win itself. You can only achieve win-win solutions with win-win processes --the

end and the means are the same.

Win-win is not a personality technique. It's a total paradigm of human interaction. It comes from a character of integrity, maturity, and the Abundance Mentality. It grows out of high-trust relationships. It is embodied in agreements that effectively clarify and manage expectations as well as accomplishments. It thrives in supportive systems. And it is achieved through the process we are now prepared to more fully examine in Habits 5 and 6.

Application Suggestions:

1. Think about an upcoming interaction wherein you will be attempting to reach an agreement or negotiate a solution. Commit to maintain a balance between courage and consideration. 2. Make a list of obstacles that keep you from applying the win-win paradigm more frequently. Determine what could be done within your Circle of Influence to eliminate some of those obstacles. 3. Select a specific relationship where you would like to develop a Win-Win Agreement. Try to put yourself in the other person's place, and write down explicitly how you think that person sees the solution. Then list, from your own perspective, what results would constitute a win for you. Approach the other person and ask if he or she would be willing to communicate until you reach a point of agreement and mutually beneficial solution.

4. Identify three key relationships in your life. Give some indication of what you feel the balance is in each of the Emotional Bank Accounts. Write down some specific ways you could make deposits in each account.

5. Deeply consider your own scripting. Is it win-lose? How does that scripting affect your interactions with other people? Can you identify the main source of that script? Determine whether or not those scripts serve well in your current reality.

6. Try to identify a model of win-win thinking who, even in hard situations, really seeks mutual benefit. Determine now to more closely watch and learn from this person's example. Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood TM

Principles of Empathic Communication

The heart has its reasons which reason knows not of.

--Pascal

Suppose you've been having trouble with your eyes and you decide to go to an optometrist for help. After briefly listening to your complaint, he takes off his glasses and hands them to you.

"Put these on," he says. "I've worn this pair of glasses for 10 years now and they've really helped me. I have an extra pair at home; you can wear these."

So you put them on, but it only makes the problem worse

"This is terrible!" you exclaim. "I can't see a thing!"

"Well, what's wrong?" he asks. "They work great for me. Try harder."

"I am trying," you insist. "Everything is a blur."

"Well, what's the matter with you? Think positively."