Seven habits of highly effective people - Stephen R. Covey [123]
The middle position is respectful communication. This is the level where fairly mature people interact. They have respect for each other, but they want to avoid the possibility of ugly confrontations, so they communicate politely but not empathically. They might understand each other intellectually, but they really don't deeply look at the paradigms and assumptions underlying their own opinions and become open to new possibilities.
Respectful communication works in independent situations and even in interdependent situations, but the creative possibilities are not opened up. In interdependent situations compromise is the position usually taken. Compromise means that 1 + 1 + 1 = 1/2. Both give and take. The communication isn't defensive or protective or angry or manipulative; it is honest and genuine and respectful. But it isn't creative or synergistic. It produces a low form of win-win. Synergy means that 1 + 1 may equal 8, 16, or even 1,600. The synergistic position of high trust produces solutions better than any originally proposed, and all parties know it. Furthermore, they genuinely enjoy the creative enterprise. A miniculture is formed to satisfy in and of itself. Even if it is short-lived, the P/PC Balance is there.
There are some circumstances in which synergy may not be achievable and no deal isn't viable. But even in these circumstances, the spirit of sincere trying will usually result in a more effective compromise.
Fishing for the A Third Alternative
To get a better idea of how our level of communication affects our interdependent effectiveness, envision the following scenario.
It's vacation time, and a husband wants to take his family out to the lake country to enjoy camping and fishing. This is important to him; he's been planning it all year. He's made reservations at a cottage on the lake and arranged to rent a boat, and his sons are really excited about going. His wife, however, wants to use the vacation time to visit her ailing mother some 250 miles away. She doesn't have the opportunity to see her very often, and this is important to her Their differences could be the cause of a major negative experience.
"The plans are set. The boys are excited. We should go on the fishing trip," he says.
"But we don't know how much longer my mother will be around, and I want to be by her," she replies. "This is our only opportunity to have enough time to do that."
"All year long we've looked forward to this one-week vacation. The boys would be miserable sitting around grandmother's house for a week. They'd drive everybody crazy. Besides, your mother's not that sick. And she has your sister less than a mile away to take care of her."
"She's my mother, too. I want to be with her."
"You could phone her every night. And we're planning to spend time with her at the Christmas family reunion. Remember?"
"That's not for five more months. We don't even know if she'll still be here by then. Besides, she needs me, and she wants me."
"She's being well taken care of. Besides, the boys and I need you, too."
"My mother is more important than fishing."
"Your husband and sons are more important than your mother." As they disagree, back and forth, they finally may come up with some kind of compromise. They may decide to split up --he takes the boys fishing at the lake while she visits her mother. And they both feel guilty and unhappy. The boys sense it, and it affects their enjoyment of the vacation. The husband may give in to his wife, but he does it grudgingly. And consciously or unconsciously, he produces evidence to fulfill