Shadow War - Deborah Chester [57]
He did not pretend to misunderstand her. “Yes, I talked to you about ruling for me. I have trained you, raised your expectations. I admit that.” He sighed. “But when you seized the reins just now, I—” He broke off and frowned. “I did not like it.”
She remained with her back to him, unable to face him now. It was impossible to keep her broken illusions from her face, and she did not want him to see how deeply he had hurt her. “Of course you did not like it,” she agreed softly.
Silence fell between them. She understood. He had clawed his way to power, then fought fiercely to maintain it. For a thousand years he had fended off every foe, and there had been many. He could not relinquish his throne now, not even to a regent. Not even to her. She had known it in her heart all along, had known it was too incredible to be true.
What she had not known, had not suspected, was how much she wanted it.
It was as though only in the loss did she see the truth of her own ambitions. She was shocked, and as angry at herself as at him.
“Will you have me moved back to the women’s wing, Majesty?” she asked finally to break the silence. She even forced herself to turn around as she said it. “Will you send me into exile?”
He frowned in instant scorn. “Don’t be stupid,” he said sharply. “There will be a coronation, even if it’s only to name you consort. The imperial family always moves forward. We never step back.” He eyed her long and hard, his mouth set in a thin line. “Go and get your rest. You have a long and arduous day ahead of you.”
Her mouth was equally set. Formally, she gave him a deep curtsy, then collected her lamp and dagger. Clinging to the tatters of her dignity, she stepped back behind the curtains and took her private passageway back to her chambers. Just before she went in, she left her weapon on the table and extinguished her lamp.
Inside her rooms, she found her ladies in waiting awake now and flustered in their nightrobes.
“My lady!” one of them cried. “What has come about? We could not find you. We have heard such terrible rumors. We were afraid and nearly sent the guardsmen to search for you.”
Elandra eyed them coldly. “I was with his Imperial Majesty,” she said in a voice like ice.
“Oh.”
Her attendants faltered. Some of them exchanged glances. She saw all of it in an instant, read their minds as clearly as though they spoke their thoughts aloud. A fresh sense of failure twisted in Elandra’s heart. If they wanted to think she had been in her husband’s bed, so be it. That would at least start other rumors that might distract them from the truth.
After dismissing her ladies, she did not return to bed. Instead, she paced back and forth in front of her window, shivering and clutching her robes around her. Visions of the shattered throne haunted her. It and the dark cloud on the horizon were clear omens. The gods had spoken plainly. The end was near. At least for Kostimon, if not for them all. Swallowing hard, she kept telling herself she should be grateful she wasn’t dead or cast out. But she wasn’t grateful. She found herself growing angrier with every step.
What was her place now? Kostimon had admitted that he could not support his own intentions. At the first crisis, his kindness had fallen away to reveal the true man beneath. A cruel, manipulative man, with a mind from the dark ages, who asked her to help him yet would not let her try. He had humiliated her, and believed to do so was his right.
There could be no apology from the emperor. Probably he believed that letting her live was amends enough.
Be grateful, she told herself.
But she could not be grateful. She would rather choke.
Be humble, she told herself.
Her pride was thundering out of control. Humility could not even be approached.
Go through with it and wait for another chance.
But that thought appalled her. She was no schemer. She was not like Tirhin, with his plots and intrigues.
She thought of her oaths to be spoken tomorrow. Hot tears sprang to her eyes. How could she go through with any of it? A vow had to be honest and heartfelt, if it