She Wanted It All - Kathryn Casey [66]
After they left, Celeste changed her visitor list. They weren’t allowed to return for nearly two weeks.
At home, Justin and Jennifer worried about Kristina, who’d lost twenty pounds and was down to a size two since her mother’s hospitalization. “We’d be eating dinner with Steve and everyone would be laughing, then the phone would ring,” says Justin. “Kristina would pick it up and it would be Celeste. When she hung up, Kristina was crying.”
Kristina was struggling with a confluence of emotions. She worried about her mother, and yet since childhood, she’d had dreams of a life with a different family, one where she’d be happy and not burdened by her mother’s constant demands.
Yet, as ever, Kristina was devoted to Celeste. When Steve made disparaging remarks about her, Kristina lashed out at him. They argued, and he blustered at her, perhaps taking out on the daughter all the frustration he felt toward his wife. “You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Kristina said. She stormed out the door. When Kristina called, Celeste told her to stay at Jimmy’s house until things cooled down.
For his part, Steve told few people where Celeste was; he said she was visiting friends. During the week, he often flew up for counseling sessions with Celeste and her psychologist, Bernard Gotway, a plump, gray-haired, bespectacled man; and her psychiatrist, Howard Miller, a short, quiet man with dark glasses and penchant for brightly colored suspenders. On weekends Steve arrived on Saturday, as the twins were driving home, and then left again on Sunday nights. Gotway and Miller noted on Celeste’s chart that she did well during Steve’s visits, as they discussed the problems with their marriage. But after he left, Celeste complained bitterly to Tracey. “She told me Steve smothered her. Just seeing him made her feel like killing herself,” says Tracey. “And there he was, showing up, involved in her therapy. How could she get better?”
When Steve visited, Tracey carefully watched the man whose very existence she’d grown to believe threatened her lover’s life. He appeared as Celeste described him, big and boorish. Only once did they exchange words, and it unleashed a storm from Celeste. That day, Celeste argued with an attendant who wouldn’t allow her and Steve to go to the lobby together. Steve turned to Tracey and said, “She has a hard time following rules.”
Shocked that he’d said something to her, Tracey nodded, replying, “Yes, I’m afraid she does.”
Later, Steve told Celeste what Tracey had said. Livid, Celeste tracked Tracey down on the smoking porch and screamed, “Why don’t you mind your own fucking business!”
“Fine,” Tracey replied, but inside she felt like something was waning. Later that day she wrote in her journal, “I have lost my infatuation” and “MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS!!! Stay out of Celeste’s shit.” Then she scratched it out. The next day Celeste kissed her as if nothing had happened.
The days ground on, some better than others. Both the women were heavily medicated, everything from pills for depression, to anxiety, to ones to help them sleep. Over the weeks, Celeste threatened to sign herself out, and Tracey begged her to stay. Later, Tracey would say that their relationship progressed in surges: “We’d be close one day, and the next we were hardly talking.”
While many noticed the unusually close relationship between the two women, it was Celeste’s psychiatrist, Dr. Miller, who seemed troubled by it. More than once he brought it up to Tracey, asking her to explain their bond.
In Celeste’s journal, during one group session, they wrote each other notes:
TRACEY: “I told Dr. Miller that I have no sexual interest in you. So, I lied. But you should, too. He said as long as we follow the guidelines for touching (physical contact) & respect the room rules, there shouldn’t be any problem. He had no problem with our being close as long as it doesn’t interfere with our therapy. He says trauma abuse patients are prone to making impulsive, life-altering decisions while in treatment.”
CELESTE: