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By Root 420 0

and the wonder of God revealing himself and the secrets of heaven to this young son of a farmer. I was captivated by this tale—especially by the part about the finding of the golden plates and the coming forth of the Book of Mormon, and the uplifting of the Smith family itself from poverty to fame to tragedy. Something in this story felt familiar—my mother had spoken mysteriously many times about a treasure my father had once had and lost and that might still be uncovered. As a result, I felt that by accepting the Mormons I was, somehow, regaining my father, even though I knew he had hated these people. Also, I could tell that my joining the Mormon church would mean a great deal to my mother. It would be a kind of vindication of her past, maybe even a way of making up for her own apostasy. And so I was baptized a Mormon and began attending various church services several times a week. I would remain active and committed to the church and its beliefs until the middle of my adolescence.

Then, a short time later—during the time that Gary was awaiting trial—something else happened that would end up making a difference in my life. On February 9, 1964 (which was also my thirteenth birthday, and the day I joined the Mormon priesthood), the Beatles made their first appearance on The Ed Sullivan Show. I was no stranger to rock & roll. My brothers had loved the music of Elvis Presley, Chuck Berry, Johnny Cash, Jerry Lee Lewis, Little Richard, and Fats Domino, and they played that music around our home constantly. Interestingly, my father—who, obviously, was no fan of youthful rebellion—also liked rhythm & blues and early rock & roll. It was one of the few pleasures he had never forbidden his sons. Looking back, I now see how the music of Presley and the others had helped represent and speak for my brothers’ insurgence: It was a hard-tempered rebellion, without an immediately apparent ideology. It was wonderful stuff, but by the time I was an adolescent, the spirit of that music had largely been spent, and rock & roll had lost much of its gift for galvanizing or symbolizing youthful upheaval.

The Beatles, of course, effectively changed all that. I didn’t know, of course, as I watched them on Sullivan that night, shaking their hair and singing “I Saw Her Standing There” and “She Loves You,” that what they were doing would open up for me a relation to the world and a doorway to the future that my family was helpless to match. All I knew right then was that I liked them, and like millions of other kids, I felt they belonged to me and my time. Later, I would like the Beatles even more because they seemed such a departure from the world of my brothers, and because my brothers could not abide them.

Looking back, I realize now how incongruous these two associations were. Like many things teenage, and most things rock & roll, the Beatles were about sex and pushing or raising limits; you might even say they were about disruption and revolution. The Mormons were about freedom and salvation through order and authority; they did not abide non-marital sexuality, nor progressive culture or politics. In time, the contradictions between these two devotions would become apparent and I would have to make a choice. But in those days I was hungry for anything that resembled a direction, a way out of the curse that I already saw as my family’s lot. Rock & roll and the Mormons—each in important ways—helped give me that direction. In fact, I think the confluence of the two probably saved my life. In religion and rock & roll I would find a sense of community, where before I’d known none. I also found a sense of cause, of moral purpose. Interestingly, it was rock & roll that would end up serving me better over the years, and that would do a better job of illuminating the modern landscape of paradise lost and found. But it was still a few years before I would choose a life with the sinners over one with the saints. For the time being, I was happy to mingle with both.

GAYLEN HAD BEEN IN AND OUT OF JAIL HIMSELF throughout this time. It was generally for