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ingredients in a big wooden bowl for Sunday morning pancakes. Now my big boy has his own herb garden in our backyard. Jack digs through the soil, plants and replants seeds, waters them daily to watch them grow into edible vegetables, and picks them at dinnertime when they are ripe and ready. He also has one of the most amazing palates a young man can have—courtesy of his father, a former French chef, and his mother, a neurotic, cooking-obsessed freak of nature. Because of his young “training,” he doesn’t like the traditional junk foods most kids enjoy. He is more refined than that.

When bringing your little tykes into the kitchen, keep tasks simple and time-consuming. And, of course, safe. Handing your two-year-old son a butcher knife and asking him to finely dice garlic will probably raise a red flag for Child Protective Services. Kids love washing vegetables, rolling out dough, or anything having to do with cakes, cookies, or decorating. Mixing and stirring, while tedious, is another popular task that still makes children feel a part of the cooking experience.

Crafty Activities for Kids in the Kitchen

DECORATE THE TABLE. The table is the focal point of meals. Assign nights when kids are responsible for making the centerpiece, name place-holders, or decorating the napkins. Have them set the table and choose the dinner topic. That’s if you’re willing to risk a half-hour discussion about Barbie’s daily escapades in her Corvette. Man, that bitch has everything.

GIVE THEM THE REINS. Allow them to choose the menu one night a week. Do not kid yourself into assuming your little angels will choose healthy meals. Without fail, they will ask for cheeseburgers. To avoid temper tantrums, give them a handful of fun, healthy choices, and let them pick one meal. This will give you the chance to teach your children about the food groups and a well-balanced regimen.

PLAY WITH YOUR FOOD. Kids love eye candy. Offer them dipping sauces and attention grabbing shapes. Rather than cook conventional toast, give them cookie cutters to make their own star-shaped toast. You can also get creative with pasta noodles, which come in dozens of shapes and sizes.

You can have a field day with ideas, just remember to create a happy-go-lucky environment for children, and they will see food for what it is—fun.

BITCHIFYING YOUR PANTRY

There is nothing worse than getting halfway through a recipe—oven preheated and vegetables chopped on the cutting board—and realize you are missing an ingredient. There is no time to make a run to the store. (You’re low on gas, too.) And your neighbors are out of town doing whatever people with stocked pantries do on the weekend. Jerks. All that work and all that planning for a romantic dinner-for-two, and you screwed it all up because you forgot you used the last of the soy cheese to sneak your dog his flea medication yesterday.

Time to get organized, bitch.

Cooking should be rewarding. Not a pain in the ass. In order to have some fun in the kitchen, you must know what you have at your disposal, and what you need at your disposal. This isn’t always easy to figure out. So, I’ve prepared a Pantry Guide that outlines the standard foods in a Skinny Bitch kitchen and a grocery wish list.

THE EIGHT PANTRY STAPLES: WHAT TO BUY, WHAT TO AVOID, AND WHAT MAKES ME SWOON

Here are a few common kitchen must- haves (alongside their notorious alter-egos) to start you off on the right path. I make sure I have these guys stocked at all times, hell or high water, since they are versatile and most commonly used in the kitchen. (For sugar, meat, milk, and cheese alternatives, see pages 35-43.)

Breads

What to Buy: Whole grain bread

White bread may feel nice and fluffy, but it undergoes a bleaching process to ensure a longer shelf life in the grocery store. Bleaching strips bread of its essentials nutrients, leaving only fattening starches, refined sugars, and proteins with no helpful benefits.84 Whole-grain bread endures minimal processing and maintains all of its healthy vitamins and minerals. It is much higher