Skulduggery Pleasant_ Death Bringer - Derek Landy [113]
“Not to drop it,” he said proudly.
“Well, yes, well done, dear, but I was thinking more about how you hold the baby.”
“Ah,” he said, “of course. The secret to holding a baby is to pick it up by the scruff of the neck.”
“You’re thinking of kittens.”
“Pick it up by its ears, then.”
“You’re thinking of nothing.”
“Can I please just hold her?”
“I don’t think that’s wise.”
“A lot of things aren’t wise, Melissa. Is crossing the road with your eyes closed wise? No, but I do it anyway.”
His wife nodded. “Stephanie, you’re in charge of teaching Alice how to cross the road.”
“Gotcha.”
Her dad held his hands out, and finally her mum sighed. “Be careful,” she warned.
“Trust me,” he said.
She handed the baby over. Valkyrie’s dad held Alice out straight, looked at her and smiled. “Aren’t you so cute?” he asked. “Aren’t you? Aren’t you the cutest?” He brought her in close, held her against his face and staggered around the room. “Help me!” he cried. “A facehugger has me!” Valkyrie and her mother observed him as he lifted her off, chuckling. “You know,” he said, “from Alien. The facehugger.” He held the baby against his face again. “Help me, Sigourney Weaver! Help me!” Alice, for her part, seemed bemused by the whole thing.
They left half an hour later, when Alice was in her basket and sleeping. Valkyrie dialled Skulduggery’s number and he picked up.
“Hey,” she said softly. “It’s me.”
Skulduggery paused. “No, it’s not. If it were me, then I’d be talking to myself, and I don’t do that any more. I certainly don’t ring myself. That’s one of the first signs of madness, and if it isn’t, it should be.”
She sighed. “Are you finished talking nonsense?”
“I haven’t talked nonsense all morning. I miss it. Why are you speaking so quietly?”
“Because the baby’s asleep.”
“Can she walk yet?”
“No.”
“I could walk from a very young age, you know. I was a very advanced child.”
“You must be so proud.”
“I am.”
“It’s funny, actually. I’ve never thought about what you’d have been like as a child. What were you like?”
“I was shorter.”
“I bet you never shut up.”
“Actually, I found it very difficult to speak. I had a stutter, you see.”
“You?”
“It’s hard to believe, isn’t it? It didn’t stop me from developing a razor-sharp wit, though, even if the townspeople did suspect that I was possessed by the devil. Four hundred years ago, no one really understood why people stuttered. They were simpler times.”
“So why do people stutter?”
“I don’t know. They’re probably possessed by the devil.”
“You are so annoying. Any word on Craven?”
“Three of his Necromancers have been arrested trying to flee the country – that leaves us with fourteen more, not counting the White Cleaver or Craven himself.”
“So he’s still at large.”
“Yes, but that won’t last long. If it were Wreath we were talking about, he’d vanish and we’d never see him again. But Craven has spent most of his adult life in one Temple or another. Only rarely did he venture out into the real world. We’ll catch him soon enough.”
There was a knock on the door.
“Hey,” she said, “I have to go. Call me if there’s, you know, anything to talk about.”
He sounded amused. “You’re bored, aren’t you?”
“No,” she said, walking into the hall. “This is my day off and I’m enjoying being normal.”
“You’re bored.”
“You’re the one who’s bored. Without me around, you’re lost, aren’t you? Just admit that you miss me.”
“You are an amusing oddity.”
She grinned. “That’ll do for now.”
She hung up, and opened the door. She put her phone in her pocket as she stepped out and looked around. No one. Shrugging, she went back inside, walked into the kitchen.
God, she was bored.
When Alice was awake, time flitted by. But when she was asleep, Valkyrie had nothing to do. She needed a hobby, something that didn’t include hitting people. Or maybe some friends that she could invite over on a Saturday morning to keep her company while she babysat. She felt a pang when Fletcher flashed into her head, and fought it