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And then there’s Wisconsin. Ah, Wisconsin. I played UW–Stevens Point, UW–Whitewater, UW–Marinette, UW–Superior, UW–River Falls, UW–Stout, UW–Eau Claire. I played Carthage. All of these schools fed me cheese.

I played Anchorage and Fairbanks. I saw the aurora borealis and swam in the naturally occurring hot springs. That was nice.

I played DePaul, DePauw, Defiance, and Delaware . . .

I did Penn College, Penn State, UPenn, Penn State Behrend, and Alvernia College, which is in Pennsylvania but doesn’t have a catchy name.

I’ve played St. Rose, St. Mary’s, College of the Assumption, Salve Regina, Notre Dame . . .

I played Michigan, Michigan State, Central Michigan, Northern Michigan.

I did shows at West Virginia Tech, Texas Tech, Illinois Tech.

I did BU, CU, NYU.

I played Johnson & Wales (twice) where some people major in “pastry.” The food in the cafeteria was terrible.

I did shows at Harvard, Princeton, Yale, and Columbia.

Middlebury, Monmouth, Rider, Ripon, Case Western, Northwestern, and Norwich University, which is a private military college in Vermont.

These are just a few.

Colleges tend to be an uphill battle for the performer. I have often been placed, for example, in the lunchroom, during lunch. These shows are called “nooners.” One time I did a nooner at Rhode Island College and it got reviewed in the school paper. AJ Paglia wrote, “There were enough stand-up comedian mistakes of that day to fill the Grand Canyon, and if he said, ‘No one’s laughing’ one more time, he would have won a free toaster. At one point, he began telling a bit about cell phones, and then paused, ineptly looked at the crowd, and then began a different bit. He forgot his joke!”

Looking back, I can’t remember much about this show, but I believe AJ, especially that confusing analogy about the Grand Canyon. My depth of failure at that show was as deep as a tourist attraction that advertises deepness. I didn’t even realize I was in contention for a toaster, but had I known, I would have pulled out my toaster-centric material. And if I had really wanted a toaster, I could have just stolen one. I was in the cafeteria. And frankly, I don’t see what’s wrong with repeatedly saying, “No one’s laughing.” It’s simply my way of pointing out where people might laugh if they think what I’ve said is funny. I was being helpful. Besides, without the “No one’s laughing” repetition, my set would have really been too short. And no one, with the exception of AJ Paglia, would have wanted that.

AJ’s article concluded by saying that “Birbiglia had a very weak, pitiful character to him,” which I feel crosses a certain line of meanness. To criticize my signature Grand Canyon–style of comedy is one thing, but my character? That feels personal. And I definitely felt hurt when this came to me via Google alert at two-thirty in the morning. I do have a pitiful character, I thought, and Why am I awake?

Sometimes colleges booked me in their finest venue on campus and that would be problematic as well, but for different reasons. Then it would be an issue because the students were sometimes disappointed to learn I was their main event for the semester. I was once asked to perform at Yale University in the prestigious Woolsey Hall. Unfortunately, the previous year they’d had Lewis Black, which means that my show probably signaled some kind of budget cut. A Google alert directed me to a Yale Daily News article:

Stand-up comedian Mike Birbiglia will perform at this year’s Fall Show. Students had mixed reactions to the news of this year’s performer, as many students said they were not familiar with Birbiglia.

At first I thought, thanks Yale Daily News! As though my self-esteem isn’t low enough, you’ve invited me to your school and now there’s an article dedicated to the fact that you’ve never heard of me. It’s like asking a girl to the prom and then, when she says yes, saying to her, “You see, last year my date was way hotter than you, but she graduated, and so I figured, why the hell don’t I ask you? Perhaps I’ve never heard