Sleepwalk With Me_ And Other Painfully True Stories - Mike Birbiglia [50]
A week later, the biopsy came back. I was fortunate because while it was a malignant tumor, they had caught it early enough. I wouldn’t have to take any further action except that every six months as a precaution I’d have to come in for a cystoscopy. The only difference was that, during the procedure, I would have to be awake. But it was okay because afterward, I could eat a muffin. So I did that . . . for a while.
• • •
In 2003 I started to get concerned about my sleep. I wasn’t falling asleep until three or four in the morning, and I was waking up around six or seven. On top of all this, I started having these episodes where I would get out of my bed. There wasn’t a lot of rest going on. I remember thinking, Maybe I should see a doctor. And then I thought, Maybe I’ll eat dinner. And I went with dinner. For years.
THE PROMISE OF SLEEP
So I was having trouble sleeping and occasionally even getting out of my bed in my sleep. And I thought about seeing a doctor. And I didn’t, but I did buy a book. It was called The Promise of Sleep.
I tried to read the book, but I ran into a little snag: I’m not great at reading. I have a small case of ADD. I have trouble focusing and my brain tends to wander. I remember when I was a kid, we’d read books in school:
There was Flopsy, Mopsy, Cottontail and Peter . . .
I’d have to stop right there. All I could think was, If you’re gonna name your rabbit Flopsy, are you really gonna name the second one Mopsy? Do you want everyone to hate them? And Peter is the only one who made it out okay in the naming process. Peter’s like an investment banker now with a vacation home in the Hamptons. He’s like, “I don’t know those other rabbits!” And everyone asks him, “Aren’t you Peter Rabbit?” and he’s like, “No, no, no. I’m Peter McHuman.” But really he is Peter Rabbit and he’s just tucking his ears into a baseball cap.
Anyway, while I was thinking about all that, the other kids READ THE BOOK.
I never got very good at reading, because when I would voice my deficiency to my dad, he’d say, “Hush!” and I thought, Okay, got it. Hush. I’m sure this problem will work itself out.
Twenty years later, I picked up a much longer book called The Promise of Sleep. Well, that’s a very elusive title, I thought. I mean, it is a promise, so that’s good. But then again, the book isn’t actually promising sleep. It’s just putting it out there: the promise. Like, here’s the promise that one could make. I’m not making it, but by all means feel free to make it to yourself, to your friends or whatever. If this book was sold in the cartoon world, you’d open it up and there’d be a big wooden mallet on a spring that would conk you on the head and you’d see little birds chirping around your head while you passed out. In some ways The Promise is more alluring than the famous self-help book The Secret, because the Secret could be anything. You could open that book up and it says, “The secret is you’re a loser.” I’m a loser? I spent twenty-seven dollars on that? By now you may be wondering, is that the Secret? How does Mike know so much about the Secret? Did someone tell him the Secret? Don’t worry. They didn’t. I promise.
The Promise of Sleep was written by a guy named Dr. Dement, which is a very unfortunate name for a man trying to instill calm in his readers. I think he could have opted for a pseudonym like Dr. Happy Sleep or Dr. Chamomile Tea. I’m Dr. Chamomile Tea and I promise you’ll sleep! Thanks, Dr. C. Tea. I already have a nickname for you. My name is Mike but you can call me Tinkles.
Dr. Dement has four basic tips for healthier sleep. A few hours before bed, he says, turn off your phone, turn off the news, don’t surf the Internet, and don’t eat big meals—which just so happen to be my four favorite activities before I go to bed. You might even say that I’m addicted to these activities.
I check my phone messages and email