Sloppy Firsts_ A Jessica Darling Novel - Megan McCafferty [66]
1. Multiply that by eight academic classes and I miss 40 minutes of useless learning per day, 200 minutes per week.
2. I miss 5 minutes of Clueless Crew lunch conversation per day, 25 minutes per week.
a. This slightly ups the odds that I won’t be around when Sara spills the news about the S.O.S.
b. And spares the obliteration of countless brain cells.
B. I have a bona fide excuse for my sucky moods that family and faux friends can understand.
1. The truth is that I’m no more or less depressed than I was before this happened.
2. Blaming my sketchy ennui on my injury is easier than explaining it.
a. If I could explain it to myself.
b. Which I can’t.
C. I can’t engage in any two-legged activities.
1. I’m a guilt-free no-show at the Clueless Crew’s hoo-has of the season.
a. Football games.
b. Post-football-game keggers.
c. Post-football-game kegger sleepovers.
2. I’m out for the entire cross-country season.
a. Dad can’t strategize the hell out of me.
b. No bad races for Notso Darling’s Agony of Defeat, Volume Two.
c. No practice every day.
i. I can catch The Real World.
ii. Or "new classics" on TNT.
iii. Or sleep.
iv. Or draw up elaborate outlines detailing the pros and cons of grounded gimphood.
II. The worst things about it.
A. The goddamn cast.
1. It hurts like hell.
2. It itches like hell.
3. It’s starting to smell.
a. Like warm, wet puppies.
b. This is inexplicable and unpleasant.
4. It’s covered in ugly Magic-Marker graffiti.
a. It’s an ever-present reminder of how unclever my classmates are.
i. BREAK A LEG … OOPS! YOU ALREADY DID!
ii. LIFE IS TUFF!
iii. GET WELL SOON, SWEETIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
b. If Hope were here, she would’ve painted something cool on it.
B. My mom hovers over me like I’m a drunk toddler.
1. I am forced to listen to her complain about how Bethany never visits.
2. I am forced to endure her lame attempts at girlie bonding.
3. I am forced to field her annoyingly inane questions about people she thinks are my friends.
a. She doesn’t understand why I had zero interest in Bridget’s Hollywood exploits.
i. Even after I explained how Bridget and I are equally skilled thespians (meaning, we aren’t) but you don’t see anyone encouraging me to fly out to L.A. to give acting a go.
ii. She still thinks Bridget and I are bestest buds.
b. She doesn’t understand why Scotty doesn’t call anymore.
i. Even after I explained how he’s gone through three bimbocious girlfriends in as many months.
ii. She still thinks Scotty is "quite a catch."
c. She doesn’t understand why I refuse to take any phone calls from Miss Hyacinth Anastasia Wallace.
i. Even after I explained how being the inspiration for a novel called Bubble-Gum Bimbos is incredibly insulting.
ii. She still thinks I should give Hy a second chance.
C. My dad still isn’t talking to me.
1. His grunting is way more annoying than his strategizing the hell out of me.
2. This just confirms the sad truth about our non-relationship.
a. Running is all we have in common.
b. If I don’t run, I don’t exist.
D. Marcus Flutie still isn’t talking to me either.
1. This has hardly anything to do with my temporary gimphood.
a. His silence is more painful than my throbbing ankle.
b. His silence drives me crazier than the unscratchable itch on the ball of my injured foot.
2. I have more than enough time to think about it.
the eighteenth
My injury forces me to spend more time with my mom than I have since I was a zygote. Since my sister is too busy being Mrs. Grant Doczylkowski to set foot in Pineville, guess who gets to be Bethany by proxy.
Every day after school Mom plops down beside me on the couch and tries to get me to engage in girl talk, which really is her and Bethany’s specialty. I think she is trying to brainwash me so that by the end of my thirty-day prison sentence I will be the second daughter of her dreams.
When Mom isn’t pretending I’m her beloved firstborn, she is giving me lectures on life. One of her favorites is called, "Get Some Perspective." My mom has always been very big on perspective,