Something Borrowed - Emily Giffin [106]
Dex spoons me as tears seep onto my pillow.
"You're so quiet tonight," Dex says.
"Yeah," I say, keeping my voice steady. I don't want him to know that I'm crying. The last thing I want is Dexter's pity. I am passive and weak, but I have some—albeit limited—pride.
"Talk to me," he says. "What's on your mind?"
I come close to asking him about the invitation, his plans, us, but instead I make my voice nonchalant. "Nothing really… I was just wondering if you're going to the Hamptons this weekend."
"I sort of promised Marcus that I would. He wants to golf again."
"Oh."
"I guess you wouldn't consider coming?"
"I don't think it's a good idea."
"Please?"
"I don't think so."
He kisses the back of my head. "Please. Please come."
Three little "please"s is all it takes.
"Okay," I whisper. "I'll go."
I fall asleep hating myself.
The next day Hillary bursts into my office. "Guess what I got in the mail." Her tone is accusatory, not at all sympathetic.
I completely overlooked the fact that Hillary would be receiving an invitation too. I have no response prepared for her. "I know," I say.
"So you have your answer."
"He could still cancel," I say.
"Rachel!"
"There's still time. You gave him two weeks, remember? He still has a few more days."
Hillary raises her eyebrows and coughs disdainfully. "Have you seen him recently?"
I start to lie, but don't have the energy. "Last night."
She gives me a wide-eyed look of disbelief. "Did you tell him you got the invitation?"
"No."
"Rachel!"
"I know," I say, feeling ashamed.
"Please tell me you aren't one of those women."
I know the type she is talking about. The woman who carries on a relationship with a married man for years, hoping, even believing, that he will one day come to his senses and leave his wife. The moment is just around the corner—if she only hangs in there, she won't be sorry in the end. But time passes, and the years only create fresh excuses. The kids are still in school, the wife is sick, a wedding is being planned, a grandchild is on the way. There is always something, a reason to keep the status quo. But then the excuses run out, and ultimately she accepts that there will be no leaving, that she will always be the second-place finisher. She decides that second place is better than nothing. She surrenders to her fate. I have new empathy for these women, although I do not believe that I have yet joined their ranks.
"That's not a fair characterization," I say.
She gives me an "Oh, really?" look.
"Dexter's not married."
"You're right. He's not married. But he is engaged. Which might be worse. He can change his situation like that." She snaps her fingers. "But he's not doing a damn thing."
"Look, Hillary, we are talking about a finite timetable… I can only be one of those women for a month more."
"A month? You're going to let this thing go down to the wire?"
I look away, out my window.
"Rachel, why are you waiting?"
"I want it to be his decision. I don't want to be responsible…"
"Why not?"
I shrug. If she knew about Darcy's infidelity, she'd be over the edge.
She sighs. "You want my advice?"
I do not, but nod anyway.
"You should dump him. Now. Do something while you still have a choice. The longer this goes on, the worse you are going to feel when you're standing in front of that church, watching them seal their vows with a kiss that Darcy will drag on for longer than is tasteful… Then watching them cut the cake and feed one another while she smears icing on his face. Then watching them dance the night away… and then—"
"I know. I know."
Hillary isn't finished. "And then darting into the night on their getaway to frickin' Hawaii!"
I wince and tell her that I get the picture.
"I just don't understand why you won't do something, force his hand. Something."
I tell her again that I don't want to be responsible for their breakup, that I want it to be Dexter's decision.
"It will be his decision.