Something Old - Dianne L. Christner [63]
Lil didn’t blink at the embarrassing question that had haunted Katy ever since she had heard about Jake’s fling with an outsider. “You don’t know that happened.”
Katy raised her chin. “Do you know if it did?”
“No.” Lil spit the word out as if it tasted bitter in her mouth. “Guys don’t talk about that kind of stuff to girls.”
“Exactly.” Feeling a mounting resolve that she had every right to brood over the question, she asked, “Don’t you think I’d always wonder about him and that other girl?”
“Jessie.”
Katy’s jaw dropped.
Lil shrugged. “Her name is Jessie, and she’s probably not as awful as you picture her.”
“If they’d only dated, it would be one thing, but Jake and Jessie went to drunken parties, and I’m thinking”—Katy’s lip began to quiver, but she couldn’t quit until she’d exposed her imaginations—“she probably went to bed with him.” Afterward, she stared at her cup, unable to look Lil in the eyes.
But Lil’s voice was soft and sympathetic. “Maybe that’s something you should ask Jake. It might change things if you learned the truth.” Swiping a hand across her eyes, Katy protested. “I can’t.”
“Do you want me to ask him?”
“No!”
“Even if your future depends upon it?”
Katy stared at her, wondering if it would be better to know. If he had kept himself pure, it would make a difference. She opened her mouth to ask Lil if she would do that for her when Lil suddenly waved her hand through the air, as if to erase the offer.
“Sorry. I’m overstepping my bounds again. I promised not to interfere. Let’s forget about Jake for a moment. I did a lot of thinking last night. What you said about him being damaged goods, sometimes it feels like you lump me in the same dough as Jake, thinking I’m wild and don’t have any scruples. Like I’m not a Christian.” Her voice broke. “Like…I’m no good.”
Hot shame rushed over Katy’s face. Lil had never allowed such vulnerability to surface before. “Oh Lil. That’s not true,” she denied. “I love you.”
Lil raised her hand again. “Let me finish. I pride myself on being an open book. What you see is what you get. But here’s the thing. I hate being different from everybody else.”
Leaning forward, Katy softly probed, “You mean the outsiders?”
“Yeah, everybody.” Lil’s gaze pleaded for understanding. “I don’t like being plain or weird, having people whisper about me when I walk into a room. I don’t like being told how to act or how to look by sour-faced men, either.” Katy had to swallow her gasp when Lil alluded to the elders, including her own dad, with such disdain. “For once, I’d like to be noticed in a good way. The church discourages dressing in the latest fashions and frowns on focusing on outward beauty. That’s why I’ve just got to be a good chef. I can make food beautiful. There’s no sin in that, is there? Jesus made wine out of water. I just want people to respect me. Can you understand that?”
She met Lil’s earnest gaze and felt her pain. “Yes. I don’t like being different, either. Mostly, I just want to be invisible. Like when I took Addison to her dance class and stepped into a room of glamorous women in jeans with glittery belts. I wanted to disappear through the floorboards. Not to stand out like some oddball. But I swallowed my pride and told myself that following Christ is not an easy thing.”
“But we’re not supposed to be invisible. We’re supposed to let our lights shine.”
“Well, the light of God,” Katy corrected. At Lil’s crestfallen expression, Katy wished she’d refrained.
They both grew contemplative, and the ticking of the wall clock that Lil’s mom donated to the doddy house reminded Katy that soon she would need to get ready for work. “I think we both try to express our true selves through our work. I’m thankful we have that.”
“Yeah, I obsess about food, and you go around picking up after everybody. What’s that say about us?” Katy shrugged. “That we’re weird?”
Lil giggled. “Too bad Megan’s not here to get in on this deep stuff. It’s right down her alley.”
“She’s probably smarter than us. But we’ve got to learn to get along together