Speaking Truth to Power - Anita Hill [42]
He did not attempt to explain his inappropriate conduct, nor was he in any way apologetic. Showing little or no concern for how the behavior had impacted me, this comment was typical of the self-centered view he held of his own behavior. I only wanted to block the whole situation out of my mind—to move on with my life and forget about it. I did not care that he was thinking only of himself (expecting no more from a man who had behaved as he did), for at that point, I was only thinking of myself. I thought how dangerous it is to put your trust in an individual whose personal political aspirations outweigh his sense of right and wrong. Recalling his conversations about the hurt he experienced as a youth, I tried to consider what kind of pain he might have experienced to bring him to this point. Yet I knew that the only thing for me to do was flee. I told him that I simply wanted to leave the EEOC. The dinner ended and with it most of the respect that I had for Thomas.
CHAPTER FOUR
I cried throughout most of the airplane trip from Washington to Tulsa. I wept for what I would leave behind. My choice was not a happy one. It was a horrible one, not so much for what I was going to as for the reasons I was leaving. Looking back on that tearful journey from Washington, I think of my grandparents, who wept as they left Arkansas for Oklahoma. They, too, were tired of fighting against overwhelming odds. Like them, I did not suspect that the trouble I was leaving might be matched by more racism and sexism. I only knew that I was going home.
Rising above the experience proved easier once I was out of the agency. I’d gained back five of the pounds I lost during my last months at the EEOC. Once I was no longer under his supervision, I began to bifurcate my feelings about Clarence Thomas psychologically. I was able to think of him as a former employer and even a personal acquaintance with whom I could continue a congenial relationship. I separated that from his mistreatment and I equated this reaction with professionalism. Even so, I removed his name from my résumé and avoided reference to him when possible. On one occasion when an application form requested references from a former employer, I asked him for a letter of recommendation. He agreed, but none was forthcoming. And I never spoke to him about it again. When asked by a local group to get him to speak in Tulsa, I made the call.
During my first year at Oral Roberts, Charles Kothe became a professional consultant to Thomas. Ko the had been working on employment issues for the Reagan administration and had a warm admiration for Thomas. He had even written a biographical story about Thomas as a model of “bootstrap success.” Thomas seemed to think that Kothe could help him make contacts with “old line” Republicans. That they worked together meant that my escape from Thomas could not have been complete. Kothe expected that I would be gracious and work with Thomas as well, and Thomas expected that I would help him to maintain the relationship with Kothe.
At Oral Roberts University, working on some equal employment research projects, I called Thomas’ office on occasion. His records suggest that I called him eleven times from 1983 to 1991. I do not recall talking to him eleven times because the calls were of little personal importance to me. They had a purpose—to further my work. My sense of professionalism, which some may describe as opportunism, allowed me to divorce my personal feelings from my work interests. That, in retrospect, was a mistake. But the reality was that Thomas was a