Spirit Bound - Christine Feehan [117]
“I don’t know what that means.” Judith clutched the sheet tighter to her and drew back, away from him. She was very afraid she knew exactly what that meant. It was one thing to dream of making Jean-Claude suffer and die, but that tightly coiled power so evident now in Stefan told her he was really quite capable of things she couldn’t conceive of.
“It means you can tell Harrington that Ivanov is hunting Levi, but you’ll likely get him killed. You haven’t been to bed for three nights, Judith.”
She blinked at him. “Are you spying on me?”
“I’m watching over you. There’s a difference.” He rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Okay. Maybe I was spying on you,” he conceded. “I needed to know you were all right.”
Her heart contracted in her chest. There was nothing boyish about Stefan Prakenskii. Not in his looks, not in that smooth sensual tone, yet he sounded so astonished and a little self-deprecating, as if he couldn’t quite believe his own behavior. He was a man even more disciplined, more controlled than she was, if she was reading him right, and yet, with her, he seemed a little out of his depth and she couldn’t help responding to the lost note in his voice.
“I have no experience with emotions, Judith. I’m going to do everything wrong and screw this up. I’ve never actually been in a real relationship.”
Her heart jumped again. “Never?”
He shook his head. “In my line of work, relationships are impossible.” He sighed and pushed his hand through his hair until the thick strands were wild and disheveled. “If I’m being entirely honest, I didn’t think I was capable of feeling anything real for a woman. And then I saw you and it’s like I’m no longer in control. You just took me over and I haven’t a clue what to do about it, Judith.”
He looked so uncomfortable, so completely at a loss, she couldn’t imagine that the things he was saying weren’t true. “I know I don’t want to mess this up by trying to move on you too fast, but I pretty much already screwed that up, didn’t I?”
“I think that was both of us, Stefan.” Judith wasn’t letting him take all the blame. “I make my own choices, and that was a conscious decision.”
He shook his head. “I was in it for the long run and you were hoping we’d burn hot and the need would be gone. Admit it, Judith. One night was all you planned to give me.”
She couldn’t help but smile at him, self-mockingly. “I planned to give you a tractor ride. That was all.” At his somewhat crestfallen look, she couldn’t help but give him something. “I find you a little hard to resist.”
He let his breath out as if he’d been holding it for a long time. And maybe he had. She felt as if she’d been holding her breath for four long days.
“In Russia, my parents sided against a very powerful man. Unfortunately they underestimated his abilities and he came one night with soldiers and murdered my parents right in front of us. We were separated and taken to different military training facilities. I was raised to be an asset, and I know no other way of life, Judith. I’ve lived so long in the shadows, a ghost, untraceable, and then I saw you and the world around me changed—became real. It’s hard to put into words, but I know what I’m feeling is real.”
Stefan was totally uncomfortable, out of his element, exposing his soul to this woman, that one small piece of him he’d hidden from his trainers, kept locked away and safe all these long years. He’d been empty of emotions, a machine designed to carry out orders and in finding Judith, he knew there was no way back. If she rejected him, he had nothing left of himself.
“Every moment I spent with you, no matter how hard I tried to be Thomas Vincent, and I spent years building his cover, the real me kept pushing through and Judith, in all the years I’ve worked, that’s never happened to me. I want to be Thomas Vincent for you, I do, but I need to be honest about who I am. If you’re going to do this with me, I want you to know who I am. Good or bad. And most of it is going to be bad.