Star Wars_ I, Jedi - Michael A. Stackpole [177]
In the beating I had administered to Remart I’d probably stepped over the line. I had been working in defense of Elegos, his daughter, his people, and even myself. Had I tapped the Force to strengthen me in that fight, I would have been pulling through power dark and terrible. I would have done to Remart things that all the bacta in the galaxy could not have made right, and reveled in his screams as I did it. I would have swept Tavira away. I would have won Mirax her freedom, but only at the expense of all we had ever had together.
I frowned, then looked up at Elegos. “It all comes down to the nature of evil, doesn’t it? Evil is selfishness, while good is selfless. If I take an action that benefits me, only me, and hurts others, I am evil. If I do what must be done to prevent harm to others, if I become the buffer between them and evil, then my actions will be good.”
The Caamasi canted his head to the left. “Your intentions will be good. Without consideration and forethought, however, your actions could still be evil. That is the problem, of course, evil is always easy and resisting it is never so. Evil is relentless; and anyone, if they tire, if they are not vigilant, can fall prey to it.”
My scowl deepened. “And there are situations where opposing evil may result in harm coming to the innocent.”
“It does happen, yes.” He blinked his big eyes, then settled his hands on my shoulders. “Life is not without pain, but life concerns itself with how we handle that pain, or joy, or confusion or triumph. Life is more than time passing before death, it is the sum and total of all we make of it. Decisions may not be easy, but many is the time when not making a decision, not taking an action is worse than a poor decision. Evil flourishes where it is not opposed, and those who are able to oppose it must to protect those who cannot protect themselves.”
I threw my head back and laughed aloud.
Elegos watched me with a puzzled expression on his face. “I did not think what I was saying was particularly humorous.”
“It wasn’t. It’s just that I’ve heard those words before, from my family and friends and even myself.” I smiled at him. “When you introduced yourself to me, you said you were a ‘Trustant’ of your people. That is a position of responsibility and trust?”
The Caamasi nodded solemnly. “It is most highly regarded among our people.”
“And do I have your trust?”
“You do.”
“So I can trust you in all things, to help me?”
Elegos again nodded. “I will not be a servant of evil.”
“That makes two of us.” I nodded to him. “When we get home, I will tell you more.”
He pressed his hands together again. “I look forward, then, to journey’s end.”
“Thanks for fixing my hands. And my head.”
“The pleasure was all mine.”
I twisted around and lay back on the table, hooking my heels on its edge and letting my hands rest like lumps of lead on my chest. In having quoted back to me things my father and grandfather had said, things I’d heard Wedge say and things I’d told myself and others, I realized who I was. I saw my reflection in the mirror and heard the wind call to me. I had, since before I could remember remembering, always held as the highest possible ideal a commitment to serving others. What I wanted was subordinate to what was good for everyone else. My job was to provide others shelter and shade, to be a fortress against all the cruelty and wantonness out there. Life itself was hard enough without monosynaptic sociopaths preying on folks.
What I realized right then and there was that I’d made gross errors in how I approached dealing with Mirax’s disappearance. When I joined the Jedi academy, I abandoned much of who I had been. I had a new name, a new look, a new identity and I was learning new things. I was trying to become someone I was not because