Star Wars_ The New Jedi Order 04_ Agents of Chaos 01_ Hero's Trial - James Luceno [15]
Bitterness contorted Han’s face. “That was my biggest mistake—putting him in the pilot’s seat.”
“Han—”
“I don’t mean that it was Anakin’s fault. But I know I wouldn’t have made the same decisions he made.” He snorted a bitter laugh. “We’d all be dead—Chewie, Anakin, me … And now this craziness about continuing the life debt.” Han paced away, then whirled to face her. “There’s no way I’m going to be responsible for the death of another member of the honor family, Leia.”
“You weren’t responsible.”
“I was,” he snapped. “Who knows what kind of life Chewie would have had if I hadn’t dragged him all over the galaxy running spice and chak-root and whatever else we could smuggle.”
Leia frowned. “Meaning what, Han? That you shouldn’t have rescued him from slavery? For all you know, Chewie might have ended up dying in an Imperial labor camp or in some construction accident. You can’t allow yourself to think that way. Besides, don’t try to tell me that Chewie didn’t enjoy gallivanting around with you—and that had nothing to do with a life debt. You heard what Ralrra said: Adventure was the reason Chewie left Kashyyyk to begin with. You and he were two of a kind.”
Han firmed his lips. “I guess I know that. Still …” He shook his head mournfully.
Leia placed her fingers under Han’s chin and turned his head. Positioning herself in his gaze, she smiled broadly. “You know what I remember most? The time Chewie strapped me to his chest and carried me across the underside of Rwookrrorro. Like I was a toddler.”
Han snorted. “Consider yourself lucky. One time I had to ride in a quulaar slung from Tarkazza.”
Leia clamped a hand over her mouth but laughed anyway. “Katara’s father—the one with the silver stripe on his back?”
“That’s the one.” Han laughed with her, but only for a moment. Then he turned and gazed out over the treetops. “It gets easier for a moment, then I’m right back to remembering. How long does it take, Leia? Till you’re past it?”
She sighed. “I don’t know how to answer that without sounding trite. Life is all about change, Han. Look at this place: luma-poles have begun to replace phosflea lanterns, repulsorlift vehicles are replacing banthas … Things have a strange way of reversing direction when you least expect them to. Enemies become friends, adversaries become confederates. The very Noghri who tried to kill me became my protectors. Gilad Pellaeon, who once came here to enslave Wookiees, fought with us at Ithor against the Yuuzhan Vong. Could anyone have predicted that?” Leia extended her hands to massage his shoulders. “Eventually the heartache fades.”
Han’s muscles bunched under her touch. “That’s the problem. The heartache fades.”
He sat down, letting his feet dangle over the edge of the bridge. Leia squatted behind him and wrapped her arms around him. They remained unmoving for a long moment.
“I’m losing him, Leia,” he said despondently. “I know he’s dead, but I used to be able to feel him alongside me, just outside the edge of my vision. It’s like if I turned quickly enough, I’d catch sight of him. I could hear him, too, clear as day, laughing or complaining about something I’d done. I swear, I’ve had conversations with him that were as real as this one. But something’s changed. I have to think long and hard to really see him, or hear him.”
“You’re getting on with your life, Han,” Leia said softly.
He laughed shortly. “Getting on with my life? I don’t think so. Not till I’ve found some way to make his death count for something.”
“He saved Anakin,” Leia reminded.
“That’s not what I mean. I want the Yuuzhan Vong to pay for what they did at Sernpidal—and for all that they’re continuing to do.”
Leia stiffened. “I can understand that coming from Anakin, Han, because he’s young and hasn’t figured things out. But please don’t make me hear it from you.”
He shrugged out of her hold. “What makes you think I know any more about life than Anakin knows?”
She dropped her hands by her sides and stood up. “That’s something I hadn’t considered,