Star Wars_ The New Jedi Order_ Dark Tide 01_ Onslaught - Michael A. Stackpole [124]
“Right, but the future changed, so I got drowned and tortured.” He half smiled at his brother. “And since we left Belkadan to come save you, it was probably you that set the future in motion that got me.”
“So I could be dead and you’d be happy?”
“Not what I said, Anakin.” Jacen caught a quick flash of sadness from his younger brother. “And Dad wouldn’t be happy if you were dead, either.”
Anakin snorted. “Have you seen him yet?”
“No, you?”
“No. Threepio thinks he’s ‘inspecting’ cantinas here. Inspecting the bottom of glasses, more like.”
Jacen sighed. “I’m not sure I don’t envy him.”
“What?”
“I’m having nightmares, too, Anakin. Nightmares of Dantooine.”
“Like mine?”
“Sort of.” Jacen scratched at the back of his neck with his right hand. “I’m there, like you, killing and killing and killing. I’m a gatekeeper. The reptoids really need to get to the other side of the gate, and I’m only letting them through in pieces.”
“That’s what you had to do.”
“Did I?” Jacen ducked back as an inebriated swoop jockey buzzed them. “What we did wasn’t noble, it was just butchery. While the control vehicle had them under its sway, they marched forward like droids and we just took them apart. Then, when Uncle Luke destroyed the control vehicle, they went berserk. They were beasts and we just slaughtered them.”
Anakin grabbed hold of Jacen’s left wrist. “But you had no choice. If you didn’t kill them, they would have killed lots more refugees.”
“Yes, I know that. I acknowledge it. I take responsibility for it, but I still have to ask myself what does doing that have to do with becoming a Jedi Knight?” He squeezed his eyes tightly shut. “How did that bring me closer to understanding the Force? How am I now a better Jedi Knight than I was before?”
Anakin’s hand slipped from Jacen’s wrist. “But the job of a Jedi is to safeguard people. There’s no more noble a reason to do anything. You risked your life to save others.”
“Did I? Do you honestly believe any of those reptoids could have seriously hurt us? Over half of Colonel Bril’nilim’s soldiers survived that assault. They aren’t Jedi. We didn’t need to be using lightsabers there, Anakin. We could have been using vibroblades or simple clubs.”
He turned and opened his arms. “And was saving those refugees all that special? We stopped them from dying, but to what end? Does this make them better people than those who died? Are they more noble? Will they learn from this experience and make the universe a better place?”
“I don’t know, Jacen. That’s the future—”
“Which is always in motion.”
“Right. What I do know is that we kept some of them alive. That’s enough for me.”
Jacen nodded slowly. “I know it is, Anakin. I wish it was enough for me, too.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I know.” Jacen lowered his voice to a whisper as anguish poured off Anakin. “Look, Anakin, you did wonderfully on Dantooine. You learned a lot. You took good care of Mara. You kept her alive under very difficult circumstances. You really are a hero because of all that and everything you did to fend off the reptoids. I’m not trying to take anything away from you or what you did. I want you to understand that.”
“Okay.” Anakin folded his arms across his chest. “What about you?”
“That’s just it. I don’t know.” He pressed his fingertips to his temples. “I thought that going off on my own would be the key to getting closer to the Force; but then I saw the slaves and had to act. The Force sends me a vision and I act on it, only to have things go wrong. But, from that wrong came the right of saving you and Mara on Dantooine, and being there to help hold off the reptoids. It’s as if I’m walking around in a circle, circling around the goal I want. Sometimes it seems as if I need to be alone, and others I’m thrust into the heroic mold that has shaped and consumed Uncle Luke. I know there are