Star Wars_ The New Jedi Order_ Dark Tide 01_ Onslaught - Michael A. Stackpole [16]
Han’s voice squeaked to silence. His larynx bobbed up and down.
“I saw him, don’t you get it? I saw him standing there as the moon hit Sernpidal. The air just combusted. He was standing there, roaring, screaming. The light turned him black. Just a silhouette. Then it ate into him. I saw his bones. They turned black, too, then white, so white I couldn’t watch. Then nothing.” Han swiped at his nose with a hand. “My best friend, my only true friend, and I let him die. How am I supposed to live with that? How do I get that out of my head? Tell me.”
Elegos’s voice came softly, but with a strength that belied its gentle tone. “What you remember is partly what you saw and partly your fears. You see yourself as having failed him, and you think that’s how he saw you at the last, but can’t be sure. Memories are not always that clear.”
“You don’t know, you weren’t there.”
“No, but I have been in similar situations.” The Caamasi sank into a crouch, with his cloak pooling to the floor around him. “The first time I used a blaster, I shot three men. I watched them dance and collapse. I watched them die, and I knew I would carry that memory with me forever, the memory of me killing them. Then it was explained to me: the blaster had only been set to stun them. My belief was wrong, as, perhaps, is yours.”
Han shook his head defiantly. “Chewie was my friend. He counted on me, and I failed him.”
“I do not believe he would see it that way.”
Han snarled. “You didn’t know him. How would you know?”
Elegos laid a hand on the man’s knee. “I didn’t know him, but I have known of him for decades. Even what you just told me now, that he saved your son, tells me how much he loved you.”
“He couldn’t love me. Chewie died hating me. I abandoned him, I left him there to die. His last thoughts were filled with hatred for me.”
“No, Han, no.” Leia dropped to her knees beside Han’s chair and clutched his left forearm. “You can’t believe that.”
“I was there, Leia. I was close to saving Chewie, and I failed. I left him there to die.”
“Regardless of what you believe, Captain Solo, Chewbacca did not share that view.”
“What? How can you know what he was thinking?”
“The same way you will.” The Caamasi blinked his violet eyes. “He saved your son. In Chewbacca’s eyes, Anakin saved you by piloting the Millennium Falcon to safety. Yet one more time Chewbacca saved you, this time through your son. You don’t know that now, but you will come to see that is the truth. When you relive this memory, think about that. As noble a hero as Chewbacca was, he could not have had anything but joy at knowing you survived. To think anything less demeans him.”
Han shot to his feet, pitching the chair over backward. “How dare you? How dare you come into my home and tell me I’m demeaning my friend? What gives you the right?”
Elegos slowly rose and spread open hands before him. “I apologize for any offense, Captain Solo. I have intruded on your grief. It was unthinkable.”
He bowed to Leia. “My apologies to you, as well. I shall leave you.”
“Don’t bother.” Han stalked forward between them, then headed toward the door. “Threepio, find out from Coruscant’s constabulary which tapcafs lead the list for incident reports. Comlink me the list.”
Leia got up. “Han, don’t go. I’m going to be leaving soon.”
“I know. Off to save the galaxy again, that’s my Leia.” He didn’t turn to face her, just hunched his shoulders. “I hope you have better luck. I failed to save even one person.”
The suite’s closing door eclipsed Han Solo’s back.
C-3PO, his head cocked at an angle, looked at Leia. “Mistress? What do I do?”
Leia closed her eyes and sighed. “Get the list, give it to him. Maybe call Wedge or any of the other retired Rogues. Hobbie or Janson or someone ought to be at loose ends and could keep an eye on him. And when he comes back, take good