Star Wars_ The New Jedi Order_ Rebel Dreams_ Enemy Lines I - Aaron Allston [74]
Hate wasn’t the way. It was wrong for a Jedi. And it was pointless for someone who was not likely to survive long in this war, not with all the enemies she was accumulating; she had better things to spend her time on than hating.
On the other hand, perhaps hate was right for a fighter pilot; it could keep her focused, give her an intensity she needed in combat.
But it was still emotion, still painful. She didn’t want it. Didn’t need it. She pushed it down, tamping it under the weight of her logic.
As she calmed, as she opened herself again to the Force, she felt a familiar presence, a reassuring one. Well, it was meant to be reassuring; it was projecting an aura of reassurance.
Jaina turned to see Tahiri approaching. She gave Tahiri a smile, but she knew it to be uncertain.
Tahiri had been on the verge of becoming closer to Anakin, might even have become a Solo someday. Now that would never happen, and Jaina sometimes thought Tahiri might just drift away like a planet that had suddenly escaped its sun’s gravity. Jaina knew she was supposed to care, but that was just more emotion to pile on top of what she was already trying to rid herself of. One more relationship to maintain when she knew it was better to begin trimming those away.
Tahiri’s clothes and the skin of her arms and legs were decorated with patches of green—stains from leaves and grasses, Jaina decided. “You’ve been on patrol?”
Tahiri nodded. “I spent a couple of hours playing hide and seek with some Yuuzhan Vong warriors out there. I never really caught sight of them. They must have seen me once, since I had to knock a thud bug out of the air. When I got back, I heard that your squadron was coming down. I thought maybe you’d want to talk.”
“No, not really.”
“Or maybe you’d want to get in some relaxation. A bunch of Rogue Squadron boys have converted a bio-reactor tank into a heated tub. They’re off on patrol, so it’s unguarded—”
Jaina shook her head. “I don’t have time. I have a session with an Intelligence group, the Wraiths, coming up. We’re discussing psychological warfare and Yun-Harla, the Vong Trickster goddess. And then I have something to do I don’t want to.”
“What’s that?”
“Talk to Kyp Durron. I’m going to hand Twin Suns Squadron over to him.”
“You just took command, and already you’re giving it up?”
“For a few weeks only, I hope. I’m going to—you know about Uncle Luke’s expedition.”
“Yes.”
“I’m going to invite myself along.”
Tahiri was silent for a few moments. Then she said, “Jaina, I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”
“I expect everyone to tell me that. But Dad and Mother think Jacen’s …” Jaina suddenly lost the breath to speak. Why was it so hard to say the word alive? She knew the answer as soon as she asked herself the question; it was because she desperately wanted to believe what Leia believed, and couldn’t bring herself to. She couldn’t allow herself to hope. She had a Force-bond with her twin, and it had been severed. He was dead, and to dream otherwise was just a way of distracting herself with delusion at a time when distractions could be fatal. She found her breath and continued, “They think Jacen’s there. I have to go there … to prove that’s not where he is.”
“Don’t do it,” Tahiri said. There was quiet urgency to her voice.
“I have to.”
“No, you don’t. In fact, you stand a greater chance of getting Luke and Mara killed.”
“You don’t think very much of my skills.”
“Yes, I do.” Tahiri didn’t sound apologetic or contrite. “But if it were just a matter of skills, or power for that matter, you’d be trying to send Kyp Durron, wouldn’t you?”
“Kyp would never work. He and Luke have too much disagreement between them—”
“Exactly. Which makes my point. Just skills aren’t the only thing you have to look at.”
“So what are you