Star Wars_ X-Wing 07_ Solo Command - Aaron Allston [91]
“When we landed, you said that you didn’t remember having fired. You didn’t remember anything about the critical seconds in which you turned toward your target and shot off a proton torpedo. Do you remember those events now?”
“No, sir.”
“So how do you know you fired deliberately?”
Donos frowned. “I—I—Can I put my feet down? I feel silly.”
“You may not. You’re supposed to feel silly. It makes it much harder to baffle me with elegantly designed speeches. What you may do is take your time in answering.”
Donos did. He took several long breaths and his face returned to a normal color. Finally, he said, “My assumption that I fired deliberately comes because such an act is completely in keeping with my mental state whenever I thought about what I’d do if I ever had the betrayer of Talon Squadron under my guns.”
“Very good. That’s a real answer. Now, tell me, based on your memories, not what’s consistent with your feelings prior to this event: Did you deliberately fire on Lara Notsil?”
“I don’t know.”
“Did you deliberately disobey the orders of a superior officer?”
“I don’t know.”
“Very well. I’m going to put the incident down as ‘accidental discharge of a weapons system’ for the time being. That’s the way it goes in the record until an investigation determines otherwise.”
“And when the investigation determines otherwise, I go through a court-martial.”
“Possibly. But they might not determine otherwise. We may never know. And if they’re obliged to accept the ‘accidental-discharge’ theory because nothing else can be determined, your career will probably survive it. There will come a time, in the far future, when a peacetime Starfighter Command has too many pilots, and a blemish much less significant than this one will torpedo a career … but that’ll be a long time in coming.” Wedge gave Donos a frank and evaluative stare, one he knew to be intimidating. “Donos, do you know what I think happened?”
“No, sir.”
“I think that when you realized that Notsil had been partially or completely responsible for the deaths of your fellow Talon Squadron pilots, you lost all control and tried to kill her, in spite of danger to your fellow pilots and in spite of orders from a superior officer.”
Donos’s face registered shock. “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. That’s what I’ve been trying to accept responsibility for.”
Wedge shook his head. “You haven’t been trying to accept responsibility. You’ve been trying to avoid it. Responsibility involves owning up to what you’ve done wrong and trying to make up for it.”
“I … don’t understand. Once again, I have no idea what you’re saying.”
“Why did you lose control? More specifically, why were no members of your squadron aware that you might lose control?”
“Obviously, there’s something still wrong in my head.”
“And obviously, you’ve discussed this problem with the medics.”
“No, sir.”
“You’ve discussed it with your wingmate.”
“No, sir.”
“Whom have you discussed it with in order to improve the situation?”
Donos looked away, struggling to keep distress off his face. “No one, sir.”
“Donos, that’s the responsibility you’ve dodged. Now, either you’re fit to fly or you’re not. How do we find out?”
“I guess I talk to the medics.”
“Talk to one of your squadmates first. One or more of them. Venting whatever pressure is in you is easier to survive if it’s done in atmosphere rather than in vacuum. And then talk to the medics.”
Donos didn’t meet his gaze, but nodded.
“You’re off the active flying roster until someone can tell me whether you’re fit to fly. And you’re not the person to tell me.”
Finally Donos looked at him and nodded again. “Understood, sir.”
“You did one thing right today, Donos. You probably don’t even know it. Your flight recorder and your astromech both indicate that you detonated your torpedo before it hit Captain Loran.”
“I don’t remember that, either.”
“But it’s the one reason that stands between you and my instant acceptance of your resignation. Dismissed.”
Donos took his feet from the desk. “Before I go, may I ask something?”
“Go