Stolen Innocence - Lisa Pulitzer [116]
I wish I could have seen back then that Jethro Barlow was merely a test case for Warren. It presented a chance for him to see how the people of Short Creek would react to such a display of absolute power. If there had been a public outcry, he might have thought twice about making such a bold move again, but no one said a word on Jethro’s behalf. We were all too afraid. It set a dangerous precedent. At this very same meeting, Warren also completely “cut off” Winston, meaning that he could no longer be a member of the FLDS. He declared there was no bishopric in Canada. The people were to look to Warren for counsel and leadership. We were now to treat Uncle Wink as an apostate. The divide that had begun to open up the previous summer when Winston had been publicly handled was now made permanent with the people forced to chose a side with some going with Winston and others following Warren.
It was in this unsettling environment that Allen and I were trying to get our marriage on track. Shortly after I returned from Canada, Teressa informed my mother about my miscarriages. She also told her about the difficulties that I’d had with Allen from the beginning, and how he had been forcing himself on me. When Mom finally confronted me about it, she fought to contain her emotion. “Why didn’t you come to me?” she asked, breaking into sobs.
“I was trying to protect you from this pain,” I told her, my heart in my stomach as I watched her tears fall. We’d become so close, and the fact that I hadn’t shared this with her cut her deeply. “I didn’t want you to know how hard it is for me because you already have enough to worry about. You have these two little girls, and you need to make sure that this doesn’t happen to them.”
“I won’t,” Mom vowed. “I won’t let this happen to them.”
She sounded sincere, but I had a hard time believing that there was anything she could do to stop it from happening to Sherrie and Ally—not unless she was willing to forego her eternal salvation and leave the religion with my two little sisters.
Nevertheless, she did do her best to help me. She spoke to Allen and asked him to start respecting my needs.
From that point on I noticed a change in how he treated me, and my outlook shifted as well. I didn’t want confrontation with Allen. I knew that I had a responsibility to my priesthood head, and I wanted to fulfill the vows that I had been forced to make. God had placed me here for time and all eternity, and on a deep level, I believed that he would reward me for following his will.
As part of Allen’s renewed attempts to improve our marriage, he decided to celebrate our second wedding anniversary with a trip to Lake Powell. He planned an overnight at a fancy hotel to try and make up for the last few years.
On our first night there, I surprised him by wearing one of my newest outfits, a straight denim skirt to the ankle and a long-sleeved blouse. Like some of my peers back in Hildale, I’d started to wear clothing that was considered rebellious by the more traditional members of our society. It had become something of a trend among the FLDS teenage girls, and I excitedly bought into it. It felt good to be a little defiant, and I wasn’t as self-conscious when I was out in public. Not only was my skirt straighter than our normal styles, but it had a tiny slit up the back that revealed the two pairs of thick tights I was wearing to hide my church undergarments. In addition, I’d taken to styling my hair with a single pouf in the front, having decided that the signature FLDS wave, which was similar to the 1940s wave only much poufier and much taller, was just not my style. Allen didn’t seem to notice my bold new outfit at first. As I lingered in the room, waiting and wondering when we’d be leaving for dinner, I realized that he was totally entranced by the television and had lost track of the time. Finally I spoke